...and its implication for our relationships. And our evangelism.
I recently came into possession of the book, Making Peace With Your Mom, by H. Norman Wright and Sheryl Wright Macauley. So far I’ve just skimmed it, but found a passage that I want to share because I think it can be helpful for any relationship.
Before I do, though, I want to say that I think the parent-child relationship is incredibly, deeply formative. The patterns set by these relationships carry through our entire lives. I’m not saying this to burden anyone nor give them ammunition, and I truly believe that God’s grace can both cover parental sins and work them for the good in the lives of children. But there’s no escaping it. The parent-child relationship affects a child's every subsequent relationship, even with God. And to understand the dynamics of these relationships so as to understand how they can be truly healthy requires apprehension of their spiritual dynamics, which cannot be done fully apart from a saving relationship with God.
Perceive the need
On page 80 of the book, under the heading, “Disconnecting From the Controller,” is this advice: “Ask yourself, ‘What does [Mother, or whoever] need from me that might lessen [her] need to desire to control me?’”
As I’ve thought about this and about its implications for my own relationships, it’s occurred to me that if this question were asked (and its answer followed) in any relationship, then the relationship couldn’t help but improve. Whether with a controller, an avoider, a boss, a spouse, a friend, a child, or whomever. True, it’s often hard to know just what a person might need, but in general it probably has to do with respect, appreciation, honesty, and trustworthiness.
Meet the need
Sometimes, it’s difficult to offer this in ways that are understood. And in situation of conflict, it can be difficult to offer this, period. The emotional reaction we ourselves have to the conflict, or to what another person is saying or doing, can be a hard thing to get past. But if we can turn the focus from our own reaction to the other person and try to perceive his need, i.e., what emotional (or other) need is driving his behavior, then we can try to gear our response toward addressing that need. Does the person need reassurance? Does he want our help? Does she need space? Does he care about or want to know how we feel about him? Does she want to be part of a situation that she can rightfully have a part in?
If a person is invading a situation she shouldn’t have a part in, of course she should not be allowed to do so. This can be dealt with in as polite a way as possible. But perhaps an alternative that would meet her need (or wish) can be suggested. This communicates concern and care, which can help her not to invade in future situations.
Although this is just a general sketch, I think there are many implications to this approach, even for sharing the gospel. If we are sharing God’s truth on His behalf in order to meet peoples’ need, with these things as our primary motivation, then we are truly serving Him.
Accept yourself
The book also recognizes something that I’ve learned from my own experience: one must accept oneself and one's own failings before one can adequately deal with another who has failed one (p. 87). You must know and be generally at peace with yourself before you can deal well with the unhealthy behavior of another, because otherwise, your own emotional neediness will be a barrier to effective resolution of the problem. Such self-acceptance, confidence, security, and peace ultimately must come from God. There is no other reliable source. Though a child, at first, will look to family for these things, and later to friends and teachers, eventually these individuals will somehow let a person down. As will the person himself. So he must learn to look to God.
I think this can be extrapolated to our Christian witness. How can we truly be effective in spreading the Gospel? As we know, it’s one thing to preach the gospel, and another to actually live it. Not that God cannot reap a harvest from His word, however it might be presented. But surely His Word that is incarnate, that is lived, is more fully His actual Word than the words of spoken or written language.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things came into being through Him, and apart from Him nothing came into being that has come into being. John 1:1-3 NASB
He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation, that they would seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and exist... Acts 17:26-28
