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Invisible Christian Women - Today's Christian Woman
This has got to be one of the best pieces I've read from TCW. From the Editor's Blog, read Invisible Christian Women.
My mom and I were attending a women's ministry event—a weekend retreat dubbed an escape. To us busy career women, this sounded like just what we needed—time away from the daily grind. And connecting with one another on this getaway was the biggest draw of all.
So on a Friday afternoon we flew to this national conference anticipating encouragement, togetherness, and a sense of belonging to the larger community of Christian women.
But by Saturday night I simply felt invisible.
The event was certainly well planned and executed. I enjoyed the great worship music, the chit-chat with women from around the country, the chance to hear some top-notch speakers. But the entire weekend seemed geared toward young married moms. And as a single 30something with no kids, I felt like an outsider. Even my mom, an empty-nester nearing retirement, felt a bit out of the loop.
...
I don't think this evening would've bothered me if its narrow focus had been an isolated instance. But I've been to many women's ministry events over the years—teas, luncheons, weekend retreats, national conferences—and many of them have had a very homogeneous demographic in mind: young married moms.
The editorial ends with a series of questions, many of which I have been asking for a few years myself.
Is your women's ministry group inclusive and diverse? If so, how do you accomplish that accepting atmosphere? If not, how can you help make it more welcoming to all?
I consider myself something of an expert on this topic because I have been on the outside since I first became involved in church women's ministry. For awhile, I tried to fit in trying to look like everyone else. But my life and my personality were not like everyone else. For example, being "functionally single" at church makes it really hard to find a Sunday school class to fit in (I'm not single, widowed, college aged....but the married group is full of couples!) and in women's ministry, it's even more challenging. And it was one thing if I didn't fit into the group, but when the focus was on happily married young moms with Christian husbands, I felt worse than invisible...more like an alien. Now I'm a functionally single woman with great kids, a great husband (who is still an unbeliever and doesn't attend church with us), and on top of that, I am an academic of sorts.
The bottom line is, I know, it's not about me, but I do have a passion for the women who are on the outside like I once was (and still am) and I want to be part of the solution. We want everyone to have a sense of belonging, to be nurtured and discipled. The church really needs to take serious the different kinds of women inside and outside of the church. What can we do to reach them? Today's women are extremely diverse in age, experience, career, parenting, etc. Understanding that this diversity exists is the first step towards creating opportunities through bible studies, discussion groups, target specific conferences, etc, to minister to all kinds of women. Yeah, we'll miss some - we can never be so target specific that we'll always hit the nail on the head, but we can do more to try. Find out what the diversity of gifts are in your ministry and see what you can do to expand the influence to the women already in your church, and then look at the women who aren't in church but are a part of your church's community, and see how the diversity of gifts in your ministry can be used by God to further the growth of the Kingdom and have a real impact on women's lives.
I know exactly what you're talking about. Up until my 40th birthday I was single and childless and I felt invisible at church. They didn't know what to do with me! I was also something of an academic, so that alienated me as well. I think people just are uncomfortable with singleness--it's not catching, but you'd never know it. Basically people are uncomfortable with difference.
Now that I'm married and have a preschool child, I have much more in common with the ladies in my church, but it still disturbs me to see members of the church fall all over themselves to welcome picturesque families who fit the "church image," while somehow overlooking those who by virtue of their marital, societal status are different from the demographic of the average church member.
I'm still waiting for a church called "The Church of the Outsider."
You know I believe there is an answer, a solution to this, but no one is going to like my answer. It is guaranteed to make most angry- and why I think it will make make most angry involves something that will be even more offensive.
So I'm not going to spell it all out. I am going to say that it is rooted in how we structure Church relationship, and our cultivated attitudes.
And yes, I believe women in the American Church are just too whiny when they get on these topics. We don't deal with a church lady society by making more variations of church ladies. This post is very connected with the Church Lady post ... can others see that? or is it just me?
My key thought is "just what are we focusing on?"
I am merely trying to address the culture of women's ministry, how as a human convention and capable of accomplishing so much on behalf of the Kingdom that it is one of the areas of the church that could use a facelift, so to speak. The way women's ministry is now with the chocolate parties and self-centered group therapy conferences which are viewed as the default methodology...everything is measured up against this. We see it in the magazines, the websites, the church ministries, etc. Women want more, women need more. Perhaps we aren't on the same page as this, but what you point out regarding the whining is what is perpetuated in the event-driven, therapeutic model of ministry.
"Women want more, women need more."
Yes, agreed on that. but what good is it to try to come at this from one or two or multiples of more demographic profiles? I think it is a system that is broke, and yet we keep perpetuating it.
There is a reason for so much to revolve around young married women with children... but the answer is not a physical attempt to get more groups going or try to integrate groups artificially.What women need more of... for themselves and for the men in congregations, what men need more of, and what children need more of is spiritual in origination and in focus. I know nobody wants to hear that. They want the baskets of bread, not the Bread of Life. Although none of us admit it.
The reason we whine is because we are unweaned children who never grow up. we never say that the fellowship and reaching out will begin with us..begin with us until we break through or die trying.
I've been to lots of these conventions and meetings and if all we do is go to work shops and lectures and never connect with prayer and worship, then we do go away empty and isolated and dissatisfied.
It is time to break the mold on the default in terms of what we adhere to in expectations. It is the world's mold of "interest groups", and that's always going to fall short of racial, class, and status of relationship divides. We wll never have koinonia until we prioritize what unites us spiritually.
The more I think about this situation the more I am impressed that DLE got it right - the basic problem is the fragmentation. The more we have "diversification" in ministry the more we perpetuate the fragmentation.
I think there is a balance to be had, I don't' want to be rid of all the practical help groups. I also think that perhaps we have moved to far into co-ed church and too far from gender oriented groups. That would eliminate some of the isolation. A sense of fellowship tends to be grass root - it rarely is the result of the organized and orchestrated schedules of activities. It happens within that , but sometimes in spite of it not because of it. You might say that women's ministry is gender oriented, but as long as it divides along lines of married and unmarried or whatever the variant - is it not a continuation of couples and lifestyle rather than woman to woman? Spiritual emphasis breaks down the barriers, but we are always afraid that isn't enough. I used to see more of that in Evangelical circles- it is pretty rare now.
No one want to hear this because they either think it is too heavenly minded to be of earthly good or they think they are doing this already. But we aren't doing it already... we are tacking on a few spiritual peripherals to our main course of "interest groups" doing what we like with whom we like. And if we aren't heavenly minded , then I think we are f little earthly good- we are in the same miserable boat as everyone else. and that might explain some of thse Barna statistics.
We are all on the outside until we recognize that Jesus has brought us inside. Once inside, we are to reach out to all those around us (kind of letting God place us within relationships and friendships). No one in the kingdom of God is too different from me for me to have common ground with them. It begins with seeing that we are all servants of God for His purposes. If I really begin to live that way, I will be willing to relate to anyone, because Jesus is our common ground.
Realistically, it will be quicker and easier to befriend someone whose life is similar to mine, but ease is not the only criteria in ministry or friendship.
No one need be overlooked and no on should be neglected. I guess it has to begin with my decision to reach out to all those God places within my sphere. That can be frightening (weird people), daunting (smart people), or heartbreaking (those tragic people who never understand) but I am not given permission to bail out because of the possible effects.
Yes young women and teens get most of the attention, but so what. Start something at your own church and invite all the rest of the women too, just make sure no one is left sitting alone.
Barbara, that is the reality. I believe that.
That is the reality of the Christian life, and I think it is up to us to make sure it gets manifested. It seems like we always wait for someone else. God, or the "church leadership", or the members of our fellowship... we keep waiting for them to *do something*, but what you've said here, Barbara, is our reality. We've been given all things that pertain to godliness in Christ Jesus.
I used to feel quite isolated within church, but something's changed in me. I don't worry about what people think of me anymore for one thing, and I start up conversations when I start feeling left out. It is amazing how people respond when you make the first move, it isn't a 100% return, but it is good enough to make the effort worthwhile. I do have to say I moved out of a community that was rigid into one that is much more accepting- and I find that acceptance begets acceptance- mercy begets mercy. But it has to start somewhere to begin the atmospheric conditions for that sort of love.
I think it is up to us to make sure it gets manifested. It seems like we always wait for someone else.
Ilona, I've been thinking the very same thing. In fact, I plan to talk about this issue at the GodBlogCon.
I think that's what I've been working on, being a solution, manifesting a solution. I think we all agree the system is broken. I just have to tell you how many women I run into, especially women on church leadership teams, who are literally excluded from the work of ministry because they are deemed irrelevant on the basis of what makes them different. I learned from the time I spent with Nancy Pearcey last March when she was in town that women like us (intellectually geared), though a minority among women, can be part of the solution by embracing the differences, because much of it is about how God made us. The particulars are important, but not more important than what unifies us -- which is what sets us apart from the world. But as I continue to take calls and emails from women who are struggling in the default mode of women's ministry, I firmly believe we must provide education that addresses the differences so that these women are not constantly put out to pasture, so to speak. What can I say.....I'm an advocate.
We are all on the inside! But I was much better accepted among my non-Christian friends during my days as a single graduate student than among my Christian friends. My position as a college teacher of literature has always been suspicious to a lot of my Christian acquaintances.
You're right in a sense, Iona. Spirituality is the issue. I stayed with my church during those dark years because truth was being taught there. (Or rather, the basics of what was taught there was truth.) It's in that social area (which is, afterall, a large part of church too) where I felt the exclusion. But it is during those social times when people of the church ought to be discussing how to practice their faith. And that's the rub. When I was single, I didn't even mention my lonliness as a single woman, but got all kinds of really stupid comments anyways. "Rely on God alone," I heard. I always thought, "your husband, father just changed the oil in your car. What does that mean, "rely on God alone?" It's those insincere comments that weaken the truth of God's love and faithfulness.
And the truth is-(to take one group for instance) the more educated a person is, the less likely that person will be orthodox anything (Christian, Jewish or whatever.) I'm sure this is due somewhat to the educational system. But I am also equally sure that the church has opted out of the "life of the mind." The comment, "Simply believe" as Francis Schaeffer pointed out has been substituted for "honest answers to honest questions." That's why a website like this one is so refreshing.
And if the intellectuals are somehow put off by the culture of the church, there are undoubtedly other groups too.
I would never want my church to do less for mothers of young children. Now that I"m there, I know they're in the majority and they're in need of a moment for a few uninterrupted thoughts. But I also hope I'm not so ignorant of the needs of others who are completely unlike myself. I need to empathize, refrain from giving easy, insincere answers, and create a space for all to come " to the knowledge of the truth."
This just dawned on me....we've got to be careful in this discussion that we don't become so platonic in our thinking that the things of this world and our lives don't become irrelevant...hence my previous comment on the fact that the particulars do matter.
I am glad Francis Schaeffer was mentioned. He made very clear that we have to hold to the spiritual- to its reality in the face of the onslaught of the material-oriented type of thinking that creates that disappearing upper story. I have no intentions of becoming platonic. I do want to hold the upper story in its proper place and context.
I can tell ppl what "rely on God alone" means, it means the same thing for the married woman that it does for the single, or the 'functionally single'. There is a basic reality we have got to grasp: that God alone is our ...God... our source. Sure, you might see a husband change the oil on the car, and you might see down the road that same husband contract MS and need to be taken care of as he descends into helplessness. How about that? Who does that woman rely on then? That is a real situation I have witnessed, and it bears repeating... it will still be a spiritual answer, a reliance on the Lord. People come through as part of the answer, but they are not the source.This is the message that we need to get. Being spiritual in orientation is not the ideal, it is the reality.
"And if the intellectuals are somehow put off by the culture of the church, there are undoubtedly other groups too."
Ok-please don't be overly offended, but is it our business as Christians to worry about groups being put off? Isn't it our business to preach the gospel as truthfully and as sincerely in word and life as we can. Then let the chips fall where they may...prayerfully, but being men-pleasers doesn't seem like part of the make disciples mandate.
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I have to say I need some explanation - perhaps because the experience of the venue is so different from mine on these ideas:
"we must provide education that addresses the differences"
"these women are not constantly put out to pasture"
I don't understand what is being said here, education- is that doctrine? emotional intelligence lessons? I am not being facetious or sarcastic, I feel that in this type of conversation the word "education" is thrown at the problems, but not specified who we are educating with what, and to what end? what education, for instance is better at integrating different groups than just plain rubbing shoulders more, and being in contact with each others worlds?
As someone inside conservative churches who raised uncomfortable questions in study groups .. who prodded others thinking and was -probably overly- vocal on my own thinking, I know that there is resistance to being intellectually oriented. But that is a matter of how people tend to react, not a Christian-only situation or iatrogenic due to the Church. Geek does not always go over well. I don't have an answer on this.
In the world we get used to mental acuity being the commerce of privilege and position, but other things become very important in leadership in the Church, so I'm not sure what you are saying in your comment.
I love how iron sharpens iron, so I really do appreciate this discussion. But I'll be brief.
"I can tell ppl what "rely on God alone" means, it means the same thing for the married woman that it does for the single, or the 'functionally single'. There is a basic reality we have got to grasp: that God alone is our ...God... our source."
I'm in total agreement. But I'm calling for recognition of the fact that there are more types of women in the church who are leading godly lives and who are working to the glory of God in careers, academics, in the home. A theology of work is lacking in the church, so it's easy for the limited views of roles to exist as a result. Women feel out of place because of the focus on the differences without acknowledgement of stereotypes. So maybe I'm calling for a 2 step approach - acknowledge the differences (education) and move toward a community whose object of worship is the focus.
move toward a community whose object of worship is the focus
probably all think that this is their focus, and that they are defining the 'proper' community.
acknowledge the differences (education)
do you mean acknowledge? or accept?
We have several strands here: we are talking of roles, of leadership, of honoring one another. I think there would need to be alot more discussion on this than is contained in winding up this particular conversation.
Women feel out of place because of the focus on the differences without acknowledgement of stereotypes.
While, again not being entirely sure of what you mean here, I have to ask: is there just one cause for why women feel out of place? Once we are talking about feelings, we enter a sometimes fuzzy area. In speaking of acknowledging stereotypes is that including the fact that there is this ongoing debate on gender-based roles that has not been satisfactorily addressed?
IOW, Can we as women fully deal with this "in house", so to speak, in women's ministry...or do we have to consider what is defined in the traditional/egalitarian debate that is largely being conducted by the leading men of the church?
Maybe women feel out of place because they are not clear on what that place is supposed to consist of... excluding those cases where it is self-pitying self-involvement .
That might change the look of what is contained in the idea of the "education".
I have to recommend two wonderful books which deal with the side issues here: "Fit Bodies, Fat Minds--Why Evangelicals Don't Think" by Os Guinness. Also the book, "Perfecting Ourselves to Death" by Richard Winter. (I've only read a preliminary article on Winter's book. When my book arrives and I've read it, I'd like to do a review.)
Both of these books are available from Covenant Theological Seminary Bookstore (online so you don't have to live in St. Louis.) They both deal with the Evangelical culture, though not about women's ministries.
Anyone recommend a book concerning women's ministries?
