...continued from part II.
Part of the trouble in accepting the limitation of sexual activity to marriage is a view of sex as merely the intensely pleasurable thing that it can be...mostly for the pleasure itself. In other words, a short-sighted view. Really, a selfish view. Don't reach for your gun yet; this can be true in marriage as well. Now you can get your gun. There is little reverence for sex outside of the delirium it can induce and perhaps also the fact that it can create a new human life (which often-times is not desired), or that it can bring two people very close together, and not just in a physical way.
But what of sex as the consummation of a sacred bond, the bond of marriage - so sacred that it mirrors that of Christ and the church? (Ephesians 5) This language of Christ and the church, as is also spoken of God and the nations of Israel and Judah in the book of Isaiah, is rife with terms of fidelity. How can Zion play the harlot? (Isaiah 1:21) How can the church betray its first love? (Revelation 2:4)
"Consummation" means "completion, fulfillment, perfection - an arrival, something carried to the utmost point or degree." That is the purpose of sex - to complete, fulfill, perfect, be the arrival of, and carry to the utmost point or degree a marriage. A marriage being the joining together of man and woman in spirit; in person -- heart, mind, and body; and in life -- daily, and until death.
fidelity, n. [L. fidelitas, from fidelis, faithful, trusty, from fides, faith, trust.]
1. faithfulness; careful and exact observation of duty, or performance of obligations or vows; good faith.
2. firm adherence to a person or party with which one is united, or to which one is bound; loyalty
Syn. - conscientiousness, trustworthiness, trustiness, fealty, allegiance, constancy, exactness, accuracy, integrity.
Sex is about fidelity. If one has sex with someone to whom one is not married, one will not be faithful to him or her unless both go to their graves together in an acting marital relationship. If one has sex with someone outside of marriage, then one is not being faithful to either one's current or one's future spouse(s), which is part of where I think the language of "saving" oneself for marriage comes from, and rightly so.
In part I, I mentioned "secondary virginity," the idea that one can make a vow to practice chastity, and keep it, after one has already indulged in sexual activity, whether "soft-core" or more. Yet, as Shannon Harris says, one can never actually get one's virginity back. Once it's gone, it's gone. It is true that if one is unmarried, one has not made a vow of fidelity to another person; however, if one belongs to God, then one has made a vow to God whether married or not - a vow of chastity. Therefore it behooves the unmarried person to be faithful to God. In this way, one will remain faithful to one's future spouse, reserving one's sexuality for him and him alone.
The above definition of fidelity is from Webster's New Twentieth Century Unabridged Dictionary, second edition, published in 1983 (as is the definition of "consummation). I note that Merriam-Webster online gives a simpler definition: "1a the quality or state of being faithful." The words "obligation" and "duty" are not included. I suspect that this may be due to the rather negative connotations both of these words have in common parlance, though I hope I'm wrong. But my sense is that these words imply merely slavish action, performed without heart, which is less preferable to that arising from warm feeling.
However, the truth is that none of us (at least from what I understand of mankind from Scripture, study, and my own observations) can always muster the warmth of heart to do what is right in every situation. Indeed, true love -- truly unconditional love -- is action, not feeling. Love is courtesy and civility when one's feelings may run contrary. Love is caretaking, honor, and preservation of dignity which are due a person's status before God as His creation, including what is called for by that person's relationship to oneself. This is fidelity.
The funny thing is, acting as one ought before God toward others often has the effect of producing those good feelings anyway, both in the one giving and the one receiving. (They don't call sex "making love" for nothing...) Of course, sometimes it doesn't, in which case, depending on the severity of the lack of response or inappropriate response, other action may be needed -- also in the line of obligation and duty.
Obligation and duty are meant to be security and trust for those to whom they are pledged, as well as honor, not drudgery, for those who have pledged to provide them. Obligation and duty in marriage go far, far beyond mere "performance;" spouses have an obligation and duty to share themselves fully with one another as well as to receive this sharing from one another -- in daily life, in thought, in emotion, and in body.
Many misapply the sacredness of the marital sexual bond to sex itself in an arbitrary context. While sex is sacred insomuch as it is created and given by God, this does not mean that any or every use of it is sacred...its purpose can either be honored or corrupted. And no one needs to be told that it can be horribly misappropriated.
"Sacred" connotes "consecration" - something set aside and purposed for a particular use by the one to whom it belongs; in this case, the God of the Bible (again, words of definition taken from Webster's as cited above). For many, however, the term "sacred" is applied to that which is very personal and highly emotional. The two meanings may certainly overlap, but obviously, not everything that is very personal and highly emotional is actually sacred to God. This same misunderstanding can be seen in contemporary use of the charismata.
It's my belief that this propensity to seek the sacred or assign sacredness to certain things is due to a quality placed in all of us by God - a basic human need to worship and to seek the sacred, the pure. I believe this because I've observed that even the vilest, most debased among us still seem to worship something, and to seek fulfillment, if in depraved ways. The problem is that this most basic of created human impulses gets horribly perverted so that none seek to fulfill it in the proper way, unless God redeems them. The worship and adulation rightly due Him gets lavished instead upon all manner of idols: sex, pleasure, and emotional highs, for example.
But what earthly actions can bring greater earthly pleasure than those sprung from fidelity? In a perfect world, no one would betray anyone else. No one would abuse, exploit, cheat, or otherwise use anyone else. No one would lie to, abandon, or discard anyone else; everyone would be true - true to God, to righteousness, to one another. Wouldn't that be amazing? Of course it will never happen, but in relationships truly consecrated to God, it can come close. And isn't fidelity what everyone truly wants in a sexual partner?
This belonging is from birth:
"Beneath the apple tree I awakened you; There your mother was in labor with you, There she was in labor and gave you birth." SoS 8:5
The beloved is pure:
But my dove, my perfect one, is unique: She is her mother's only daughter; she is the pure child of the one who bore her. SoS 6:9
