The language of sex, that is.
I’ve gotten the idea from several sources that many Christians younger than me (and perhaps not) are not convinced by the statement that sex ought to be reserved for marriage. Nor do they view all extra- or premarital experiences or solo sex as necessarily wrong. Rather than hear that doing these things is wrong, though, they want to know why the alternative is better. They want constructive suggestions toward a positive view of sex.
Well, I’m all for the positive. I have many thoughts on this, as well as doubts as to my ability to articulate them in a meaningful way. I have doubts as to whether my thoughts might be meaningful to anyone besides me. Sex is a, uh, touchy subject. Discussions of sexual morality can release negative passions rivaling their positive counterparts in sex.
And you may wonder, what could a 40-something woman who’s been married for 19 years have in common with a single person, in the sexual arena, so as to have anything worthwhile to say to them? Well, trust me, more than you might think. My own journey to discover what sexuality is and what it means, both personally and in the sense of the absolute, has been long and torturous. But along the way I’ve come up with some things, I think. I humbly offer them here.
There has of course been great writing on sexuality over the years. Writing solid in scholarship, theology, and wisdom. Much of it has also been suppositional in nature. My writing here will be no different. However, as this is a blog series I have not prepared for it as I would a book, and I suffer no delusions as to my writing ability. So I can with all confidence say that my commentary will be neither thorough, detailed, nor entertaining. But hopefully it will be clear enough in its own right, and contribute to the overall discussion.
First, I want to establish that sex and sexual desire are intrinsically good. As are multitudinous instances of their expression. However, not every sexual act is good (no kidding) nor is every instance of indulged desire. The trick is figuring out which is which.
While I understand the wish for a fleshing-out of the positive reasons for non-marital abstinence, I can’t help but be reminded of how I felt at age 13. I really wanted to drive. I thought it was stupid that I had to wait 'til I was 16. But though I may have been perfectly capable of driving at 13, rules is rules. It didn’t hurt me, anyway, to wait, and probably kept me from causing damage. This is just one of many things I’ve wanted in life before its proper time. In pursuit of these I bungled a lot of other things, and ultimately didn’t achieve what I was hoping for in the first place.
But I don’t know how someone who doesn’t want to delay gratification can be convinced that doing so is best, especially if they’re like me (stubborn, needing "good" reasons). As I’ve learned, though, commitment to such a delay has to be made in faith. It's done not because one feels like it or really wants to, but because one trusts in Something greater than one’s immediate wishes or desires. In this trust one can find the strength and peace necessary to turn one’s energies toward another activity.
The truth is, most of the benefits of this decision to trust may not actually be appreciated until much later (if ever) in this life. There may indeed be worldly rewards for illicit sexual activity. But the Christian’s reward is in heaven...why trade it for a paltry one?
Guilt is another reason people may react against a seemingly nebulous charge to not do something they have a strong desire to do. They may blame this guilt on society, the church, their parents, or whatever. But it pays to read what the Bible has to say about sex (for example, Genesis 1:27-28, Genesis 2:18-24, Proverbs 5:15-23, Matthew 19:5-6, Romans 12:1-2, I Corinthians 6:12-20, I Corinthians.7:1-7, Ephesians 5:25-33, Hebrews 13:4), as well as find out what others have to say about why one’s guilt might be before God. Otherwise a person may go through all sorts of mental and emotional machinations trying to justify their indulgence. Or blame others for their guilt rather than examine all these things at the feet of God.
(A brief word on guilt: guilt grounded in people- or institution-pleasing causes all sorts of trouble. Guilt before God will rightly produce chagrin and remorse; but, if one accepts His forgiveness and salvation, it will not produce torment. Forgiveness can provide motivation to repent, as well as strength to “go and sin no more.”)
Some rationalize masturbation and extra- or pre-marital sex by saying things like, well, why would I have such an overwhelming drive to something if it’s wrong? Sort of a natural-law-type argument. I don’t have a good answer to that except to say that acting on that overwhelming desire in the right context is one of the most amazing experiences one can have in this life. Obviously, overwhelming desire or compulsion is not in itself a proper rationale for doing something; such a rationale has been historically used to excuse any number of atrocities. The trick is to not deny sexual desire, but to put it aside if the time is not right.
I would also ask, is it sometimes OK to deceive, because sometimes people just can’t help deceiving? Even if most of the time they don’t? Is it OK to do something hateful if it’s only done under certain special circumstances? Is it ever legitimate to rationalize sin? (Here’s what you really want to know: Do I, moi, ever sin in a way having to do with sex? Yes, I do. Do I excuse it? No. Do I beat myself up about it? No.)
If someone has sinned sexually, or indulged in premarital sex, can their married sexual relationship(s) be everything it could’ve been otherwise? In terms of honoring God and the relationship, and achieving gratification? Probably not. Forgiveness does not provide escape from consequences, in most cases. But how many things are what they “coulda, woulda, shoulda" been? Not many. This is not reason to go ahead and sin when it can be avoided, but it’s reason not to despair when the sin’s already been committed. We can confess, repent, and go forward. We can set out to prepare for or build a God-honoring marital relationship from where we are. (And a good place to start is...honesty, before God and others.)
There are some who commit to chastity after having been sexually active and refer to this as secondary virginity. Of this term, though, Shannon Harris, wife of Josh Harris (author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl) says,
I really don't think there's such a thing as secondary virginity. By the very nature of the word, you either are or you aren't. You can't reclaim your virginity.
Shannon was not a virgin when she married Josh. She regrets this and, in The Power of Sexual Purity is quoted as saying,
The point of remaining abstinent is to enjoy sex as God designed it in marriage and only in marriage, to enjoy a oneness with your husband that can only be with the two of you.
She also speaks of having lived for the pleasure of the moment and been reckless – neither of which characterize a healthy sexual relationship.
In addition, I came across this quote by god-is-in-the-tv in a comment to The Sexual Revolution may not be questioned by Rod Dreher, the Crunchy Con:
Rod - it's refreshing that, unlike so many other conservative pundits who point fingers at the individuals caught up in the actions - and I say this full knowing that while engaging in extra- or pre-marital sexual behavior is a choice, I don't think the majority of people of *any* age actively go through their days "making choices" so much as just reacting to circumstance.
It appears, then, that a rationale for chastity must be deliberate and purposeful. As is the use of language, and sex is a language. If the rationale is deliberate and purposeful rather than impulsive, then a person stands a better chance of honoring himself, his future spouse(s), and the sexuality he’s been given.
(Stay tuned for Part II...)
