(Series subtitle: Attitudes of the Heart and the Actions That Proceed Therefrom)
In part I I linked to Brain Cramps For God’s post on philophronos blogging, the comments to which included these words from Mike Finley:
This post addresses the way we "thing" one another and act hatefully. Another aspect is the way we address one another in a seemingly friendly, but still disrespectful way.My feeling is that this is common among missionaries -- that we hope the positivity of our message annihilates that of those whom we meet. It is a kind of smiling cruelty -- it disrespects, it trashes the possibilty of true communication, it is passive aggressive. But it is the foundation of much Christian "dialogue."
“Smiling cruelty”..."passive-aggressive.” Indeed. Whether we hope to “kill with kindness” or not, falsely kind behavior is not unlike that of the false prophets’ who “come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves.” Harsh words, yes. But insincerity is no small matter for the Christian. To quote I Peter again:
Therefore, putting aside all malice and all guile and hypocrisy and envy and all slander, like newborn babes, long for the pure milk of the word, that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, if you have tasted the kindness of the Lord. I Pet. 2:1-3 (emphasis mine)
False kindness puts a medal on our chests (for kindness) but does nothing for what’s inside our chests (or heads). It is a Pharasaical show. Yet if God is trustworthy, and we truly trust in Him, then there can be no untrustworthiness in us. If we go through the outer motions of friendliness while harboring hateful or unfriendly thoughts privately, we deceive. Deceit, regardless of the type or the motive, is lying. Whether done to protect ourselves, put on a good show, or to “kiss up,” we court others’ trust only to take advantage of it. We betray it. We become consumers of others rather ministers to them, and encourage empty relations in which parties merely use one another rather than truly care for one another.
Oftentimes, of course, civility is necessary for the restoration or maintenance of trust. Civility as diplomacy, as a good-will gesture, cannot be overrated and is the language of formal relationships. But such formality can also be hidden behind and used to manipulate rather than foster good will in cases where it is not called for. Oftentimes, diplomacy means respect for another so that grievances are shared in a timely and appropriate manner. This too is honesty; it is an admission of another’s importance and dignity.
There are times when grievances must be made known, regardless of the effect it may have on a relationship. It is the way out of passive aggression, the path of honesty, and also a form of helping others acknowledge accountability for their actions. Grievances are to be distinguished from unfriendly thoughts, however. It’s not that unfriendly thoughts ought to be hidden or covered up or shared openly, but that they must be confessed to God (and perhaps to a trusted friend) and repented of. As adultery starts in the inner thoughts of a person, so does hateful behavior. We repent from our sinful thoughts before God and also are obliged to apologize for unfriendly actions toward others.
Another problem with inward unfriendliness is that it doesn’t stay inside. It will come out somehow, and most often inappropriately. It may manifest in self-abuse, or in outbursts of violence, harsh criticism, or other destructive behavior in word or deed, usually in great disproportion to whatever it is vented against and often to a scapegoat (or whipping boy).
Next up: thoughts on anger
