Who I Am

[Note: What? Another recycled post? Yes, that's right. What do you people expect from me. I've been blogging for almost four and half years so cut me some slack. Some days (like today) I just can't think of anything original to say. But lest you forget how awesome I am, I thought I'd provide a reminder of some of the things you know (but may have forgotten) about me.]

Earlier today I was reading Andy Jackson's blog when I came across a passage that really convicted me: "Any Christian blog is defined by the primary bloggers, and so I have always believed that bios should be provided unless there are unique situations that this would not be appropriate."

When I read that it made me realize that the people who read this blog probably don't have a true sense of who I am as a person. Sure, I have a bio page with the usual demographic info but what does that really tell you about me. I live here, I work here, I'm married to her, I like this, blah, blah, blah. Really, who cares? What does that really tell you about me? Nothing, right?

So I've decided to share thirty things about me-- various experiences, accomplishments, abilities, etc.-- that will really give you a better sense of who I am. I feel I owe that to my readers. This should give you a better sense of who I am:

• I once solved the mysteries of the Navier-Stokes equations but forget the answer before I could write it down.
• The Pirahã people whistle an epic tale of my grandeur.
• The Canadian Forces Dental Branch has a standing order to kill me on sight.
• At the age of four I was considered a classical banjo prodigy.
• I can Martinize in less than one hour.
• At the age of two I was kidnapped by Tibetan monks who believed I was the 17th reincarnation of the Buddha.
• I have won awards for thumping tubs, noggins, and Bibles.
• I am immune from prosecution.
• Neurologists have diagnosed me as having a rare condition which causes me to skip leap years.
• I can tear holes in the space-time continuum and repair them with a quantum duct tape that I created.
• Thomas Pynchon and I have been feuding for two decades, though neither of us can remember why.
• I'm five IQ points smarter than I look.
• When people ask "How've you been?" I want to answer "cheeky" but I usually just say "I've been fine."
• My inner child is a six-year-old girl named Erline.
• The best job I ever had was the summer I worked as a roadie for Lawrence Welk.
• I sometimes go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence but most of the time I can't be bothered with such nonsense.
• I have the temperance of a Greek god.
• I was thrown out of a G & T program after it was discovered that I was neither gifted nor talented.
• The scent of my pheromones has been known to ease birthing pains in Chinese pandas.
• It's been said that my face resembles a Picasso painting.
• On weekends I volunteer at nursing homes teaching krav maga to geriatrics.
• I invented the word "excrescence."
• I was once the answer to 43 down in the New York Times Crossword puzzle.
• Tom Wolfe wears white suits as an homage to my virtue.
• The Oracle of Delphi prophesied that I would never amount to anything.
• I have often been the hero of "Choose Your Adventure" novels.
• I am all "Sturm", no "Drang."
• I am honorably discharged.
• I once quelled a riot in Chile by singing "Muskrat Love" in fluent Spanish.
• My favorite color is blue.