[Note: Since working on other projects has cut into my blogging the past few days, I've had to post recycled material. Here is some from the bottom of the bin, a reprint from the faux-advice column I wrote for The East Texas Tribune.]
Dear Joe,
How can I get rid of my son? He's 24 years old and the laziest creature on earth. He doesn't go to school, won't get a job, and claims he can't afford to move out on his own. The truth is that he could afford to move out if he didn't spend all his money sitting around the house smoking dope all day.
I love him dearly but he's got to go. How do I get him to move out?
Dear F.P.,
Here's a step-by-step plan for getting the little pot head out within a week:
Day #1 -- The first step is to get him out of the house for a few hours. Give him $20 and while he is out giving his "tithes to the Rastafarian church" call a carpenter, preferably one that is handy with sheetrock. A good drywall specialist can have the door to your son's room sealed off in less than an hour. Be sure to have it painted so that it blends in with the surrounding wall.
When your son returns and wonders why he can't find the door to his room pretend you don't know what he is talking about and "remind" him that he moved out six years ago. Convince him that he is having a “flashback" from the time he ate those weird mushrooms.
Day #2 -- Remove all edible food from the house. Bake a liver quiche and leave it, along with a pitcher of prune juice, in the refrigerator. Now when the the little freak gets the “munchies" he'll be in for a big surprise.
Day #3 -- Invite Timmy, the earnest young Christian at church who is always anxious to share his new found faith, to drop by and visit your son at around 4:20 p.m.* Tell him that your son really wants to develop a personal relationship with the Lord but needs someone to explain it to him in detail. Just to be safe, have some Jehovah's Witnesses stop by at 5:10 and some of those clean cut Mormon missionaries drop in at 5:45.
Day #4 -- At 4:35 p.m., when your son is good and stoned, call your house and in your best basso-profundo voice say, “Hello. This is God speaking. Timmy said that you and I should get together and meet sometime..."
Day #5 -- Hide dog biscuits all around the house and invite the police department's K-9 narcotics unit to drop by the house at 4:40 p.m. for coffee and donuts.
Day #6 -- Tell all four armed forces recruiters that your son is really interested in joining the military. Military recruiters are like used car salesmen that make housecalls. Mention that the best time to catch your son is at 4:30 p.m.
Day #7 -- Tell your son that the two of you need to have a serious discussion. Take him for a long drive in the country and be honest about your concerns. Explain that it's really time that he moved on with his life and, after you slow down to about 20 mph, open the passenger door and kick him out of the car.
If he didn't take the hint the first six days then he's obviously fried his brain to the point where you don't have to worry about him finding his way home.
* As I learned on recruiting duty, 4:20 p.m. (aka 420) is the time when losers throughout the world set aside to get high. Ask you kid what it means. If he knows, smack' em 'cause he's a stoner. If he says he doesn't know, smack' em anyway cause he's lying to you.
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