How to Avoid a Traffic Ticket

[Note: I’m still trying to acclimatize to the pace of working on a Presidential campaign (I love saying that), so for the next few days I’ll be recycling material.]

Dear Joe,
What's the best way to get out of traffic ticket?

Dear L.B.,
Several weeks ago I was out for a ride and inadvertently ran a stop sign. Though I didn't see the sign, a cop did see me. He quickly pulled up behind my chopper and signaled for me to pull over.

Now I've been a biker since I old enough to work a kick-stand so getting hassled by the fuzz is nothing new. I also, as you can probably imagine, have quite the outlaw streak in me. So I did what any self-respecting rider would do: opened it up full throttle and tried to make a run for it. I gave it all I had but the cop must have had some super-charged cruiser because he caught up to my moped like I was standing still.

From this experience I gained a couple of valuable lessons. First, pull over right away. If the police have to chase you 47 miles until your scooter runs out of gas you can bet they won't be in a good mood when they get their hands on you. Second, always wear a helmet. When the cops commence to giving you a Rodney King-style whooping it helps to have your head covered. Since that incident I make sure I always wear a helmet when I ride. In fact, I now wear one when I drive my car. You can never be too careful.

Some other ways to avoid a ticket are:

• Pull over as far off the road as possible so the officer isn't exposed in the road. If another car comes along and runs him over it's almost a sure bet that you won't be getting out of the ticket. Also, even if you are on a four-lane highway don't stop in the middle two lanes. I found it pretty amusing but cops don't have a sense of humor.
• When the patrolman asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?" the correct answer is "No, officer, I don't." There's really no need to add that the reason you don't know is because your speedometer pegs out at 120 MPH.
• Try flirting. Tell the officer that you've always been attracted to men in uniform. He might be flattered enough by your remark to let you off with a warning. I found through experience, though, that this is only effective if you're not a guy.
• If all else fails, cry. This one, however, is only effective if you are a guy. Women have already worn out this tactic.

Most importantly, always carry your essential documents. I find its best to have my license, registration, proof of insurance, and enough cab fare to get you back if you find yourself stranded 47 miles from home.