Dear Joe,
My wedding is in two weeks and I've been asking every married couple I know the secret to a happy marriage. While most of what they say is helpful - though a bit bland - I thought you might have some special insight to share on the subject. What, in your opinion, does in take to make a marriage work?
Dear S.A.B.,
To truly learn the secret of a successful marriage you should ask someone who has failed. People who are already happily married usually have no clue what they are doing right. They just go through life hoping they don't screw it up. Once you mess your marriage up beyond repair, though, you learn exactly what you could have done better.
Sometimes the realization comes from a self-evaluating, soul-searching process. Other times it only comes after months of counseling. It can also come, as in my case, in the form of a 40-page document from one's former spouse detailing in extreme detail all the ways in which you fell short as a husband.
Since my first wife left me for another woman, the idea that I could have been to blame came as a bit of a surprise. "Let me get this straight," I said. "You turn gay and it's my fault the marriage didn't work out?"
"Keep in mind," she noted, "that I only lost interest in men after being married to you."
While I have no idea what women can do to make a marriage work, I do know what men can do better. All of the following suggestions, therefore, are specifically for husbands:
Close the bathroom door - Some people will tell you that being able to go to the bathroom in front of your wife shows how comfortable you are with each other. These people are idiots. Allowing your wife to see you on the toilet doesn't show you are comfortable, it just shows you're nasty.
The reason your wife finds Brad Pitt sexier than you isn't just because he's better looking (though he is that) but also because she's never seen him doing his business. If you want to keep any mystery and romance in your marriage then close the bathroom door. And while you're in there, make her happy and put the lid down on the toilet. That's what she thinks Brad would do
Learn to compromise - In any long-term relationship, differences of opinion are bound to arise. Two people can't live together for long without finding there are matters on which they disagree. Sometime the issues are minor, such as disagreements over what color to paint the bathroom. Other times they are more profound, such as why exactly the bathroom has to be painted on SuperBowl Sunday.
The key to working through these differences is learning to compromise. Normally this would mean finding common ground on which you both can agree. In marriage, however, compromise means that you let her get her way. You won't find that definition in the dictionary but its better that you learn the true meaning now rather than have it explained to you by her divorce lawyer.
Call her bluff - Women like to talk about 'feelings' and say that they want us to talk about them too. The truth is that women have no interest in really knowing how we feel. What they really want is for us to shut up and to listen to them talk about how they feel. After all, real men have three dominant 'feelings'-- hungry, randy, and gassy ---none of which wives care to hear about.
When your wife starts using phrases such as 'opening up', 'getting in touch with your softer side', and other nonsense she picked up from watching Oprah, just tell her what she thinks she wants to hear. Explain to her that you have issues with your body-image, that you don't feel appreciated, and that you occasionally feel the need to eat chocolate after your catty co-workers hurt your feelings. Finish this off by asking her to hold you while you 'have a good cry.'
You can rest assured she'll never ask you to share your feelings again. In fact, she'll go out of her way to avoid getting to know too much about you. And that, after all, is the key to happy marriage: The less a wife knows about her husband, the less there is to dislike.
fantastic!
issues of money and fidelity, not necessarily in that order, are typical.... then mental illness and addictions also come into play.
Wow...this clearly shows why you are divorced. As a marriage therapist, I can tell you that most couples who are successful in marriage, know exactly why they are successful. They work at it and learn marriage isn't all about them. I'm sorry to hear your wife left you for a woman. I'm sure that has to kill the ego.
Wow, Stacy you must be one of the most compassionate marriage therapists out there.
I wasn't sure if you were being funny or angry, or both. You did have some good advice mixed in with the bitterness, but I think S.A.B needs a second opinion
Yeah, I have to say that what Joe said sounded pretty bitter and cynical, too.
Here's my advice: Learn how to fight fair, because you are going to fight.
We went into our marriage with rules about how to fight fair. They were:
- Stick to the fight at hand. Last week's fight is out of bounds.
- Never say something to deliberately wound the other person. (So, when we're having a fight, and she says something, and I say something, and she says something, and I say something, and she goes silent, I know that I went too far on the last thing I said, and am now on very thin ice. But this is not the silent treatment - she is deliberately not saying what she wants to say, because she knows that she wants to say something to hurt me, and she is refusing to be destructive.)
- You cannot argue about feelings. (So, for example, when she says "When you do X, I feel Y", I can't argue about it. She feels that. We can talk about why she feels that, and whether it's reasonable for her to feel that, and whether it's her problem or mine that she feels it, but the fact is, she feels it.)
And, not particularly a rule of fighting, but you can't really solve each other's problems. I once told my wife - I forget about what - "When you do X, I feel Y. And that's my problem, but I want you to understand what's happening there." What I meant was, I'm messed up inside, and she can't really fix that. It wasn't fair to ask her to stop doing X (whatever it was), because it was a perfectly reasonable thing for her to do. So it was my problem.
Another thing I had to learn is that, when she comes to me complaining about a problem, she doesn't want me to fix it. She wants me to listen. I had to learn to just listen for about five minutes before trying to fix her problem. (Your timing may vary.)
And, last, the biggest thing: People can't make other people happy for long. (Maybe quoting/paraphrasing C. S. Lewis?) Only God can really fill our hearts. No human can do it. So, after a wonderful first year or two of marriage, people find out that their spouse isn't enough to make their life wonderful. And what often happens is that people blame their spouse.
In my case, I stood up there and promised "in sickness and in health", like many people do. I thought that, every year or so, she'd get sick, and she'd be leaning over the toilet throwing up, and I'd pat her on the back and say "There, there". Six weeks later, she got sick. She still (17 years later) has not fully recovered. So, instead of realizing after a year or two of marriage that a person - even a wonderful one - wasn't enough, ten years later I was still thinking, "But she could have, if she hadn't gotten sick!" No, she couldn't have. What our hearts really hunger for is found in God, not in any person. Don't try to make your spouse fill that place, and marriage can be wonderful.
Best wishes,
Mike
As a pastor I am even now dealing with an impending divorce in my parish. A wife, aged thirty five with three small children, needs to "find herself". Her complaints with the marriage are vague and relatively trivial. I suspended marital counseling when I found out that she was actively engaged in on-going affairs in this effort to "find herself". I barely escaped suggesting that she look in her underwear drawer. A woman looking for what she does not know, can be very reckless. When I do pre-marital counseling I warn young couples that they will get very little help from the surrounding culture. The best aphorism that I know as to marriage is: "A long and happy marriage is not the triumph of true love over adversity through time, but the triump of good charactor over temporay mood and fleeting desire. In marriage, above all other human endeavors, charator is what counts.
Holy crap, Joe!
Was this all serious or was this all tongue-in-cheek, or a bad mix of both? I sincerely hope it was almost entirely tongue-in-cheek, because if it wasn't it was quite possibly the worst answer I've ever heard given to a person honestly wanting some advice about how to have a great marriage.
If it is at all serious, I think this post may be indicative of why people should not seek marriage advice from someone who's failed. After all, they failed. I'm really not trying to knock you, Joe, but would you seek advice about building a house from a person who built their own, had it collapse, and hadn't built a sturdy and lasting one again? I think I'd go with someone whose house had stood strong for 25-50 years.
Most of what I've learned about good marriages has come from very happy, healthy couples and for the first 6 years it's worked awfully well for my bride and me.
I sincerely hope it was almost entirely tongue-in-cheek, because if it wasn't it was quite possibly the worst answer I've ever heard given to a person honestly wanting some advice about how to have a great marriage.
I realize that the post wasn't that funny (though it was intended to be humorous) but I'm finding the reactions to it to be hilarious.
Lighten up, folks, its a typical lighter fare than usual Friday post. ; )
Hi Joe. I don't know you, but I found this post to be funny and insightful at the same time. After having been married for 27 years and endured two periods of separation, I have learned one thing for sure; don't take yourself (or others) too seriously. That goes for you, too.
Go buy the book 'Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs' by Emerson Eggerichsand. You should both read it before you get too much into married life. It won't solve every issue, but it goes a long way to helping when it comes to staying off each other nerves.
I thought it was pretty funny, Joe. Have a good weekend everyone, and Go Cowboys!
LOL. This was one of the more refreshingly funny takes on the subject I've ever seen.
The only change I would suggest considering is replacing "What they really want is for us to shut up and to listen to them talk about how they feel" with "..and to listen to them talk on and on..."
I've missed this sort of stuff. Thanks for posting it.
And scrolling through the comments reaffirms to me I can't read your commenters.
Just been through the worst patch in almost 20 years with a wife trying to "find herself" (i.e. lawyers, counselors, etc). Seem to have come out of it pretty well and learned a lot.
Pastor K, track down a copy of "Passionate Marriage" by Schnarch. Great stuff. There's a couple in there that sounds like the one in your parish.
http://www.passionatemarriage.com/st_books.shtml
Stacy, are you still doing the blog for books thing? Didn't know counseling was in your repertoire.
Some free advice:
- Put your thoughts and frustrations in a diary. Don't let her read it. When she does (heh!), own up to it and use it to confront a bunch of issues you have been ticked about for years but were never able to get on the table. If she doesn't, the stuff is off your chest at any rate. And never read hers; ain't worth it.
- Be your best self. Get in the very best shape of your life physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially, socially, and any other area you've let get flabby. Make your integrity your number one priority. Reconnect with friends and family. You'll need to be on top of your game and have all of your support structure in place to successfuly survive a divorce, to be there for your kids, or to survive a complete re-tooling of your marriage (which it may need). And unless you're suffering from Joe's problem, a "better you" may give her second thoughts about looking elsewhere.
- Accept that there are some issues that can't be fixed; just work and grow through them or flow around them. Pay attention to the other 99,000 things you can do.
- Pray constantly, expect small miracles, and engage in selfless intercession for God's work in your spouse. Don't pray they'll be "fixed" but rather, drawn closer to Him. Pray for His outcome no matter what the consequences to your mate or your marriage.
- Love is impossible to do yesterday or tomorrow, only today and right now. It is the eternal brought to the present. Dwelling on the past or fretting the future are both worthless uses of time.
- Shouting at her in your own love language isn't nearly as effective as learning more about hers and whispering that instead.
I had difficulty sorting out the serious from the humorous.
Go Cubs. (yes, I'm sad)
Collin
http://evangelicalperspective.blogspot.com/
I thought it was pretty funny, Joe
but sarcasm and cynicism are my
spiritual gifts - grin
Been married 36 years; it was
brutal the first 25 years but has
been real nice the last 5 years.
Couldn't tell you why actually.
If I read everything correctly, S.A.B. just asked a serious question, to which he received a nonserious (and unhelpful) answer. Hm.
I too, recommend the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. As a wife, it really impacted the way I communicate to my husband. We've been married seven years and there are still a multitude of things about him that irk me. Realize that marriage isn't all about that hot newlywed feeling that lasts only about six weeks into the typical marriage.
My pastor has preached that marriage isn't to make you happy; it's to make you holy.
Best wishes to you and your bride!
Letitia
This is a riot. You folks do realize what S. A. B. stands for, correct?
I thought it was funny. I also think part of it is useful. Take from it what seems logical to you; laugh or groan at the rest.
I'm 16 years into my first marriage. I figure I'll give her another 30 or 40 years, then it's trophy-wife city for me. ;-)
Not sure if I agree with the "check with those who have failed" answer, but I can say I have failed...first wife left 20 years ago, I then found out she had been having an affair.
Now having been happily married for 15 years and raising 4 children succesfully I'll say this. A good marriage always comes back to forgiveness. Both must learn to live there. If the woman you are marrying understands the ultimate forgiveness we have been given by God through His Son, and knows how to put that into practice in her own heart, you have THE ingredient for a successful marriage.
http://moreaboutmen.com/artist/jeans-team/album/keine-melodien-maxi-/a127225/
http://moreaboutmen.com/artist/jeans-team/album/keine-melodien-maxi-/a127225/
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