33 Things You Didn't Know About Me

A few months ago I was reading Andy Jackson's blog when I came across a passage that really convicted me: "Any Christian blog is defined by the primary bloggers, and so I have always believed that bios should be provided unless there are unique situations that this would not be appropriate."

When I read that it made me realize that readers of this blog probably don't have a true sense of who I am as a person. Sure, I have a bio page with the usual demographic info but what does that really tell you about me. I live here, I work there, I'm married to her, I like this, blah, blah, blah. Really, who cares? What does that really tell you about me? Nothing of importance.

So I've decided to give a peek behind the curtain by sharing several dozen items about me-- various experiences, accomplishments, abilities, etc.-- that will really give you a better sense of who I am. Here are 33 things you probably didn't know about me:

• I once solved the mysteries of the Navier-Stokes equations but forget the answer before I could write it down.
• The Pirahã tribe whistle an epic tale of my grandeur.
• The Canadian Forces Dental Branch has a standing order to kill me on sight.
• I once ate a dingo's baby.
• At the age of four I was considered a classical banjo prodigy.
• I can Martinize in less than one hour.
• At the age of two I was kidnapped by Tibetan monks who believed I was the 17th reincarnation of the Buddha.
• I have won awards for thumping tubs, noggins, and Bibles.
• I am immune from prosecution.
• Neurologists have diagnosed me as having a rare condition which causes me to skip leap years.
• I can both tear holes in the space-time continuum and repair them with a quantum duct tape that I created for such purposes.
• Norman Mailer and I have been feuding for two decades, though neither of us can remember why.
• I'm five IQ points smarter than I look.
• When people ask "How've you been?" I want to answer "cheeky" but I usually just say "I've been fine."
• My inner child is a six-year-old girl named Erline.
• The best job I ever had was the summer I worked as a roadie for Lawrence Welk.
• I sometimes go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. But most of the time I can't be bothered with such nonsense.
• I have the temperance of a Greek god.
• I was thrown out of a G & T program after it was discovered that I was neither gifted nor talented.
• The scent of my pheromones has been known to ease birthing pains in Chinese pandas.
• It's been said that my face resembles a Picasso painting. (Particularly, this one.)
• On weekends I volunteer at nursing homes teaching krav maga to geriatrics.
• I invented the word 'excrescence.'
• I was once the answer to 43 down in the New York Times Crossword puzzle.
• Tom Wolfe wears white suits as an homage to my virtue.
• The Oracle of Delphi prophesied that I would never amount to anything. (Which just goes to show that you can never trust Delphic oracles.)
• I have often been the hero of 'Choose Your Adventure' novels.
• I am all Sturm, no Drang.
• I am honorably discharged.
• I once quelled a riot in Chile by singing "Muskrat Love" in fluent Spanish.
• My favorite color is blue.