-- John Wayne, She Wore a Yellow Ribbon
Calvin Coolidge, a president known for being a man of few words, was so famous for saying so little that a White House dinner guest made a bet that she could get the president to say more than two words. When she told the president of her wager he simply replied: "You lose."
Coolidge understood that the less you say the less you'll be expected to apologize for later. Unfortunately, few politicians since Coolidge have learned that lesson, as evidenced by the continued outbreak of foot-in-mouth disease among politicos.
In order to avoid similar embarrassment, I've decided to take a proactive approach and issue a preemptive apology before anyone calls for my resignation:
Because I am a Christian I realize that I must take responsibility for any atrocities committed in the name of my faith. I therefore apologize for the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, Lutheranism, and Jimmy Swaggert.
I apologize for using overheated political rhetoric. Specifically, my referring to Adolph Hitler as a Nazi and for implying that Joseph Goebbels used 'Hitlerian' tactics to advance his party's political agenda.
I apologize for being born a white American male. Even though it was my wish to be born a cocoa-skinned Ecuadorian girl, I still take full responsibility for the genetic hand that I was dealt.
I apologize for referring to stupid people as being "unintelligent."
I apologize for constantly referring to the people of France as "cheese-eating surrender monkeys."
I apologize to my brother for all the tricks I played on him that went horribly wrong. Even though the male nipple is not a body part necessary to live a full and productive life, I apologize for my role in what our family refers to as the 'Jumper-Cable Incident.' I'm also sorry for lying when I told him that since it was made of the same material as a lizard's tail, the useless appendage would grow back in a matter of weeks.
I apologize for using the word nipple on my blog.
I apologize for having a prudish readership that would be offended by the word nipple.
I apologize for implying that my prissy readers might be "prudish."
I apologize to all the dogs I have ever owned and regret blaming them for the smells that should have been credited to me.
I apologize for recycling old blog posts without noting that fact, leaving it to people to decide if it's something new or if they really did read this drivel before.
I apologize for my annoying habit of always being right.
I apologize to those people who I told that Oprah Winfrey was my actual birth mother. I also apologize to the courts for failing to obey both the cease-and-desist letter and the restraining order sent from the lawyers at Harpo Productions.
I apologize for contributing to global warming and the ensuing calamites of droughts, hurricanes, and Al Gore documentaries.
I apologize to all the women at church who I refused to let speak to me unless they had their heads covered.
Although he lost the general election by 872 million votes, I apologize for my attempt to elect Michael Dukakis.
On behalf of the people of Texas, I apologize for both the Dixie Chicks and George W. Bush.
I apologize to O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, and Michael Jackson for repeatedly claiming, "Oh yeah, he's guilty."
On behalf of the United States of America, I apologize to both Mexico and Canada for failing to do our part in preventing your nations from becoming third-world countries.
I apologize to my wife for making her believe that my earnings potential would increase after we were married. I also apologize for any remarks that have offended her, especially those made during the recent 'Jumper Cable Incident.'
If anyone I've maligned, insulted, lied about, slandered, embarrassed, libeled, injured, stalked, shot at, or given a dirty look to was offended by my words/behavior/presence then I would like to take this opportunity to express my most sincere and personal regret for your misunderstanding and overreaction.
You forgot to apologize for all those awful guitar masses too.
"I apologize for my annoying habit of always being right."
no need Joe...you almost always wrong about everything and you re not even aware that you dont know Jack from s#!t...actually we re the ones who should appologize for setting your strait all the time...its a thankless job but someone has to do it.
You forgot to apologize for apologizing so much.
This is unforgivable.
You should apologize for setting a bad example for your fellow bloggers by having such a permissive commenting policy.
Ludwig,
You can't be "light-hearted" for one day? Especially about something in which he is obviously saying in jest.
I sure hope you aren't a Dubuque, Ia. Ludwig.
You can't be "light-hearted" for one day?
For Ludwig, that was light-hearted.
The last lines turns this from satire to sarcasm, but with light touch. Nicely done.
Funny. I'd have ascribed the title to Special Agent Jethro Gibbs.
Collin
http://evangelicalperspective.blogspot.com
I accept your apologie(s)! Just don't let it happen again!
You don't have to apologize for trying to help elect Dukakis, but do try to learn the lesson that radical liberals have de facto taken over the Democrat party.
I will apologize for being from Massachusetts. I didn't help elect the riff-raff, but they make me ashame, very ashame.
Joe booby
I hate to be the one to unpack your portmanteau but your valise belongs to me. This is the 21st century, slick. What is it that you don't understand about post modern deconstruction?
You don't decide what your words mean. I have committees, I have focus groups, and I have academic faculties.
We decide what your words mean (e.g., nipple is not a word unless non-gender specified by non-specifying the gender. No exceptions) and there are protocols for apologies.
You have violated the major apology protocol that approximately insinuates that an apology that is not qualified does not qualify as an apology.
Capisce??
great blog...a question for all :
how do you deal with a person and/or party that does not reciprocate even after you sincerely, in actions, words and deeds,in the Christian New Testament tradition, apologize for a past wrong ?
how do you deal with a person or persons who use your mea culpa to set their own agenda ? person or persons who use your mea culpa against you ?
looking for some insight...thank you...