[Note: Once again I'm recycling my my annual Valentine's Day advice for thoughtless men.]
Over the past few weeks I've written posts on politics, religion, and culture. But today we must set aside such trivial issues and turn to more serious matters: preparing men for Valentine's Day.
With only 24 hours left you need to start making plans now. Wait much longer and you'll find yourself at the Quik-E-Mart fighting other pathetic slobs for the last Whitman's sampler or single-stem plucked-in-November rose.
But I have an alternative to cheap candy and wilted flowers. It's thoughtful. It's romantic. And most importantly, it's cheap.
It's the love letter.
Follow these steps in writing your love letter and you just might be able to prevent your Valentine's Day from becoming another massacre:
Buy some stationery -- You're a big boy now so throw away the Big Chief tablet you've had since 3rd grade and buy some quality paper. Keep in mind that if you don't feel like a total wuss when you buy the stationery then you purchased the wrong type.
Don't even think of typing the letter -- Unless you have the penmanship of a doctor, the letter should be in your own handwriting. If you have the penmanship of a doctor because you are a doctor, then you make enough money that you don't have to worry about impressing women anyway.
Be specific and personal -- Don't just write one letter that you photocopy and hand out to all the new girls you meet. That won't get you anywhere. You have to actually go to the trouble of copying the same letter out by hand every time you give it to a different girl.
Points will be deducted for spelling -- Pretend you're giving the letter to your high school English teacher, who will be taking points off your grade for spelling errors. Since women pass the letters around to their inner circle - which tends to include every woman in a 50 mile radius - you'll be judged by plenty of people. You might consider having a female friend proofread it for you since she'll soon be reading it anyway.
(By the way, if the letter is intended for your high school English teacher then you have issues that even I can't help you with.)
Write, rewrite, repeat -- Start out by writing a rough draft. Now take your rough draft and throw it away because it makes you sound like an idiot.
Seriously, it does. Just trust me on this one. I don't know why that's always true. It just is.
Write it again and try not to be so sappy this time. You don't want to scare her away by giving her the impression that you're some kind of freak. She shouldn't be able to figure out what kind of freak you are until she's been married to you for at least three years.
Resist the temptation to give her a note that says, "Do you like me? Check yes or no." -- This was cute and original the first 500 times she received this type of note from some faux-sensitive guy who wants to give the impression that he's being "child-like" when in reality he's just being lazy.
Unfortunately, this is the sole opportunity for a guy to be lazy and have a woman think that he's being cute. That's also why better minds have thought of using this corny gimmick long before you came along.
Give it to her before you chicken out -- Your brain will try to talk you out of giving her the love letter. It will tell you that you're setting yourself up for future embarrassment. Your brain, of course, is right. But don't listen to reason. Being in love has nothing to do with being reasonable. In fact, love requires that you make completely irrational choices. If we didn't there would be no romance, no marriage, and no jewelry stores.
A last resort -- If all else fails and you just can't think of anything, let me know. I'll send you a photocopy of the letter I used when I was single. Just remember to copy it in your own handwriting and to not give it to any girl whose zip code starts with 7. Otherwise, there's a good chance she's seen the letter before.
If you still haven't handwritten your Valentine's Day letter (because you have bad handwriting without a medical degree to excuse it), the Day still has some hours to go — you might pick up some quickie better-handwriting tips on the Handwriting Repair site at http://learn.to/handwrite
For any improvement you can't make in what remains of Valentine's Day 2007, start now (throgh the Handwriting Repair site) to acquire good handwriting in loads of time for Valentine's Day 2008. Your sweetheart will thank you!
My wife, being a RN, corrected me on the terminology. "VD" is an outmoded term, with "STD" replacing it. Perhaps "(S)ave (t)he (D)ay" might be more up-to-date? After all, we evangelicals and fundamentalists shouldn't ever be accused of falling behind the times. ;)
I would also add, make sure your sweetheart doesn't find out that you decided to write the love letter because you read a blog that recommended letter writing because it was, "most importantly," cheap. :)
I'll add one thought. Go out and spend a couple of bucks on some sealing wax. Put it in an envelope, melt the wax, and stamp it with something girly like a heart or a rose. She'll flip and you get to play with fire.
Does the "play with fire" refer to your developing relationship or just melting the wax?
If you don't know what to buy a loved one for a special occassion, give them a gift card. You can get these for Walmart, Jcpenneys, or you can even purchase a pre loaded visa card.
Gone are the days when you could just order some jewelry or after shave for your loved ones and friends. Now theres a host of personalized gifts available in stores and on the internet.
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