There is one thing to always keep in mind, my father said, summing up his views on choosing a wife, “Cooking lasts, kissing don’t.” Considering that my mother considered Spam to be one of the four food groups, I can understand why he thought this advice was essential. Still, it seemed that there should be more that I should know so when I began my own search for a mate I turned to Christian books on dating and marriage.
After reading dozens of books explaining how to kiss dating goodbye, how to say hello to courtship, and how burning desires can lead to burning for eternity, I devised a simple standard by which to judge their advice. The criteria was based on how they answered the question, “How do you find Mr./Ms. Right?”
In With One Voice: Singleness, Dating and Marriage to the Glory of God, Alex and Marni Chediak provide the ultimate answer: It is more important to become a certain type of person than it is to find a certain type of boyfriend/girlfriend.
What are you doing to become the sort of person who would be winsome and attractive to the kind of person you want to marry? (p. 45)
Such candid questions and refreshing candor is the hallmark of this supurb book on dating and marriage. It is filled with advice that is redemptive, realistic, and relevant.
Unlike many similar works written by Christians, the Chediaks do not advocate going back to the “good ol’ days.” Much of what passes today for “Biblical patterns of courtship” is, after all, simply the cultural norms of 19th century America. Instead, the Chediaks carefully delineate between biblical principle and optional cultural and societal norms and show how that must guide our choices.
Their approach is “counter-cultural” in the original sense of the term. For example, they address the very real problem of staying on the “search” too long and letting suitable candidates for marriage slip away.
It is noteworthy that women more frequently make this objection that the right man has not yet pursued them. Women do have a unique responsibility to respond to, nurture, and affirm male initiation in this area, and the last thing I’d want to do is make a women feel guilty for being committed to doing so. That said, women can also (perhaps unwittingly) make the mistake of settting unrealistic expectations. Many woman, for example, believe that there must be a “perfect match” for them out there, and its their job to wait for them. This may seem romantic, but it is horribly debilitating. As soon as she’s lost that first rush of emotion and is getting to know him as a flawed human (and not the paragon of perfection her ignorance initially allowed him to be) she feels obligated to end the relationship. This happens with some frequency where women have been duped by the media into thinking that marriage must be a state of perpetual bliss and that, if it is not, something must be wrong with their partner. (p. 46-47)
With One Voice is filled with such practical wisdom. The Chediaks willingness to address the real struggles that singles face (e.g., “How far can a couple go sexually before marriage?”) is what makes it a truly invaluable resource. This is the type of book that I wish I had found –and my wife had read—before I traveled down the path to lifelong commitment.
Subject matter: Courtship, dating, marriage
Recommended for: Christian singles; Mature-minded high school and college-age teens
Related: Alex Chediak's Blog
I read perhaps a dozen Christian books on dating and marriage in my teens. I think most of them just gave me a healthy dose of legalism that did nothing for my walk or dealing with the issues. When I was around 12 years old I decided to focus on becoming the man that a woman could marry rather than just a hot date. The books confused me, especially as all but two were written from the perspective of the American dating scene. It bears no relation whatsoever to the life of a Christian in Ireland.
Now I'm 22 and still single but perhaps a tad more wiser in my approach. It's not like I'm buring with desire but I'm sure if/when I find her (warts and all) I'll find a good thing.
I'll be buying the book. Thanks for the review
So are you saying your second wife is a lousy cook and a good kisser, or that she found out you aren't perfect?;^)
Great post, Joe. I'll be linking to it later. I always thought that too many people were looking to find the right person, and too few were looking to be the right person.
BTW, I think you mean it's a "superb" book, not a "suburb" book (paragraph immediately under first block quote).
Bene So are you saying your second wife is a lousy cook and a good kisser,…
When I married her she was a great kisser and a terrible cook. But now she has cookbooks and the Food Channel and has become a rather good cook after all. Just goes to show that father doesn’t always no best. ; )
…or that she found out you aren't perfect?;^)
Oh, she knew that when she married me. Unfortunately, she thought—as most young wives do about their husbands—that I was perfectible…or at least fixable. I’ve since disabused her of that notion.
Keith BTW, I think you mean it's a "superb" book, not a "suburb" book
Thanks. That’s what happens when I let my spellchecker do the thinking.
Good points all, but I think one major issue is neglected. How to meet the woman/man who one will eventually consider or reject as a potential marriage partner?
Following graduate school, I moved to Boston to pursue an academic research career. In 1981, Boston was full of single, beautiful, intelligent women. I really had no investment in marriage per se at the time, but like most healthy young men, I did enjoy having a relationship with one woman. Relationships with several women simultaneously are better movie script fodder than reality, so whenever I found myself companionless I was on the move for a special lady.
In my experience it's important to meet women in places where you're doing things you enjoy. I did the singles things available at the time, but - using those methods - only met one woman with whom I enjoyed more than a date or two. The women whose company I enjoyed the most and had the longest relationships with I met in places where I enjoyed going - alone or accompanied. For example, the Isabella Gardner art museum used to have Sunday afternoon chamber music concerts. I would go and select a seat where the other attendees' seating choices virtually assured a person attending alone would sit near me. I met a lady there who was truly a delight in my life, and we had an interest in common from the very start. Perhaps the most productive way to meet women with common iterests, for me at least, was introductions by mutual married friends. For some reason, married women have a deep desire to marry off their single friends. Since they know both parties, thay often "fix up" a date. It's important to tell them, though, if a particular choice wasn't good exactly why it wasn't good. That helps them in the future.
In fact, I met my wife through mutual married friends. We shared many intellectual passions, a love for squash (the game, not the vegetable), and the rest is, as they say, history.
One note, though. When I was in graduate school I received some very sage advice from a gay friend of mine. We were in a school noted for its science and engineering, and in '77-'81 the ratio was definitely not favorable to males for an active love life and staying in school. He advised me to learn to cook. He said women love men who cook. In my experience, that has proven to be absolutely true. With one notable exception, I have since been the better cook in any relationship. Including my marriage. And, guys, it insures you always get your favorite foods.
You argue against "courting" because it is "just the method of an earlier generation." By that logic arranged marriages should be the ONLY method of finding a mate, since that has likely been the method for most of recorded history.
I have not read this book, so I cannot comment specifically on its contents, but modern dating is a far cry from anything good and valid. I remember seeing two leaders of a local Intervarsity Campus Fellowship really waylaid when their long romance got set aside. Even if they were both trying to be a good marriage partner, dating without a firm committment on preparing for marriage did not do them or the group they were leaders in, any good.
I am sure they stayed wholesome, unlike many (even Christians) today. But the committment to a philosophy of "connect, break up, connect, break up,..." led to many troubles.
Courtship may not be perfect, especially when practiced by imperfect people, but it has a lot more going with it than the flawed "casual relationships" method.
Brad
On marriage and dating, Kass & Kass Wing to Wing and Oar to Oar is also very very good.
The book sounds like an interesting read, I'll check it out. My personal view on attracting ones Perfect Match has changed due to my own outrageous experience this past year. I discovered the correct use of the Law of Attraction specific to Attracting your Perfect Match mate for life. I also discovered through personal experience how that you can be very specific when ordering (focusing on) the qualities in a mate that you wish to attract. I imagine that a "good cook" could be added to ones wish list as well. Sound crazy, absolutely! But it works. It is a Science, it is demonstratable and behind the science stands the Universal Law of Attraction.
Relationships are as varied and unique as the individuals who enter into them.
I've often wondered about the process whereby God leads us to our mate, but I suppose "...the secret things belong to the Lord..."
Joe,
Your email box is full. Is there another way to make contact?
Best to You in Christ,
Dave
Hi Joe,
I posted what I thought would be the first comment but it has yet to appear. I was told it was being submitted for moderation.
This probably isn't the most effective way to contact you if I am having trouble commenting but hope springs eternal.
whatsup people
I truely love the template of www.evangelicaloutpost.com. Looks good, keep it up!
anyways..
Im a very "strong" christian and I guess I have a couple questions on my mind..
I've been thinking a lot about dating.. but im not sure where to begin.
My friends have been telling me christian dating is the way to go.. so I've done a little studying on Christian Vacations for singles and found some stuff on google
Would be cool to listen to your input.
Let me begin by saying that i love your blog www.evangelicaloutpost.com a lot
now.. back to the post hehe
I cant say that fully agree with what you wrote... care to clear things up for me?