New Year's Resolutions
(2006 Edition)

Every year I make a list of New Year’s resolutions that I’m never able to keep. I usually do well for a few weeks but by February I don’t even bother trying. I tried to be more persistent (Resolution #12 - 1988), develop more willpower (Resolution #9 - 1993), and even “resolved" to keep my resolutions (Resolution #1 - 1998). Nothing ever seems to be effective.

This year I’m trying something different. I’ve decided to take the same approach that I took in planning a career and finding a wife: I lowered my expectations. I figure that if I don’t set my sights too high then I won’t be disappointed. Since success is a relative concept I decided to make it relatively easy to succeed.

Here are my resolution from last year and the way that I'm modifying them:

2005: Lose weight; 2006: Gain weight - While most people find it difficult to lose weight, in 2005 I managed to lose a total of fifteen pounds. The key is to get off to a good start. After shaving my back hair (3 pounds), cutting my toe nails (1.3 pounds), and trimming my nose and ear hairs (.7 pounds) I found I only needed to lose ten more pounds over the next twelve months.

No sooner had I reached my goal, though, then my wife decides that I too skinny and need to “gain about 20 pounds." Now I have to turn around and re-gain all the weight that I lost. That won’t be easy. After all, back hair doesn’t grow back overnight.

2005: Eat more healthy food; 2006: Eat more fast food - See above.

2005: Donate money to medical research; 2006: Spend money on a tube of cream to cure the weird rash I have on the inside of my thighs - While I’m all for supporting efforts to cure cancer and heart disease, there are certain medical concerns that are a bit more urgent.

2005: Get regular checkups by a physician; 2006: Perform regular checkups on myself - Few things make me sicker than getting the bill from an office visit to the doctor. If I wanted to read old magazines and sit in a cold room without my clothes on I could stay in my own bathroom and save ninety dollars.

Besides, with access to the Internet there really isn’t a need for doctors anymore. With the aid of WebMD.com, some Tylenol, and a pair of scissors, I was even able to perform my own hernia operation. You can even download valuable medical information on your PDA. Just the other day I read about how to perform a self-exam for testicular cancer (though now I’m not allowed to stand in line at the post office anymore).

2005: Get in shape; 2006: Be happy with the shape I’m in - Actually I was able to keep this resolution since “pear-shaped donut" is, technically speaking, a “shape." A year of exercise, though, hasn’t been as effective as I‘d hoped it would be. Instead of a V-shaped body I’ve ended up with a sort of U-shape.

This year I’m going to use the money I normally spend on gym fees for self-esteem counseling. The cost is the same yet I get to avoid both the discomfort of exercising and the horror of seeing old naked guys hanging out in the gym locker room.

2005: Spend time volunteering; 2006 Avoid court-appointed community service - While I don’t mind picking up the trash along the side of the highway, the court fees are draining my bank account. This year I’ve finally learned my lesson: cold medicine + tanning lotion + Texas sun = misdemeanor conviction for public nudity.

2005: Win the Pulitzer Prize for Blogging; 2006: Write a post that someone would actually want to read - Yeah, I know I’m off to a bad start but come Monday, I'll have 52 weeks to achieve this one.