[Note: This is post #8 in the Blogiversary II series.]
In his essay on “The Pleasures of Eating”, the philosopher and farmer Wendell Berry says that after delivering a lecture on the decline of American farming and rural life, someone in the audience would invariably ask what city people can do. “Eat responsibly," Berry would reply.
…by restoring one's consciousness of what is involved in eating; by reclaiming responsibility for one's own part in the food economy. One might begin with the illuminating principle of Sir Albert Howard's The Soil and Health, that we should understand "the whole problem of health in soil, plant, animal, and man as one great subject." Eaters, that is, must understand that eating takes place inescapably in the world, that it is inescapably an agricultural act, and that how we eat determines, to a considerable extent, how the world is used. This is a simple way of describing a relationship that is inexpressibly complex. To eat responsibly is to understand and enact, so far as one can, this complex relationship.
Berry argues that eating is an agrarian act and that something valuable is lost when we subscribe to the industrialized, consumerist view of sustenance. Although his essay is about food, his words could be applied to another method of fulfilling a physical need -- sex. In fact, he draws a similar parallel in his discussion of “industrial sex”:
It is odd that simply because of its ‘sexual freedom’ our time should be considered extraordinarily physical. In fact, our ‘sexual revolution’ is mostly an industrial phenomenon, in which the body is used as a idea of pleasure or a pleasure machine with the aim of ‘freeing’ natural pleasure from natural consequence.
Like any other industrial enterprise, industrial sexuality seeks to conquer nature by exploiting it and ignoring the consequences, by denying any connection between nature and spirit or body and soul, and by evading social responsibility. The spiritual, physical, and economic costs of this ‘freedom’ are immense, and are characteristically belittled or ignored. The diseases of sexual irresponsibility are regarded as a technological problem and an affront to liberty.
Industrial sex, characteristically, establishes its freeness and goodness by an industrial accounting, dutifully toting up numbers of ‘sexual partners,’ orgasms, and so on, with the inevitable industrial implication that the body is somehow a limit on the idea of sex, which will be a great deal more abundant as soon as it can be done by robots.
Berry offers advice on how to recover the pleasures of eating from consumerism. In imitation, I offer the following modest suggestions for how Christians* can recover sex from industrialization:
1. We should continuously point out that the term pre-marital sex is an oxymoron. Because sex and marriage both perform the function of uniting a man and a woman into one-flesh, engaging in sexual relations is ontologically indistinguishable from marriage. Even when the tongue claims otherwise, the body understands the promise being made during intercourse. Saying “I do” with the body may not carry the same consequences as it does in a marriage ceremony, but the effects on the soul are similar.
2. Some people will claim that there is something valuable to be gained by having multiple sexual partners before settling down for lifelong monogamy. These misguided souls completely miss the point. Sex is not a technique to be mastered but a means of communicating. Sexual intercourse is a non-verbal expression of profound commitment, openness, and trust. Having multiple sexual “partners” as a means of preparing for marriage is like mastering the art of lying in order to become a paragon of honesty.
3. The bookstores are filled with books and magazines that offer tips and advice on maximizing pleasure, providing multiple orgasms, and other ways to have “better” sex. This desire to improve and be more productive is a hallmark of industrialized sex. But there is no objective standard by which sex can be measured against. “Good” sex is not found by following a formula which will lead to the efficient maximization of sexual pleasure. Sex cannot be measured by the number of orgasms per hour (OPH) or any other idealized unit of measure anymore than a good conversation can be measured by the number of words spoken.
4. How long should lovemaking sessions last? Ideally, from the beginning to the end. Truly, the focus on time (“I can make love all night…”) is absurd. Clocks and calendars have no place in sexual relations. Intimacy is a lifelong process that begins on the wedding day and is unjustly interrupted by death; intercourse is simply intense periods of special physical intimacy that ebb and flow throughout this period. While each phase is special and important the duration is of minor consequence. Watching the clock takes the focus off the proper object: one’s spouse.
5. Although sex is not tied to the Gregorian calendar, it is cyclical, often following the natural rhythms of the female body. The husband’s desire should, therefore, be respectful of the woman’s physical and hormonal cycles. Her body is the means by which God chose to bring forth new life and the vessel he chose to enter the world in physical form. A woman’s body is not a machine for delivering pleasure but a mysterious and precious creation. Husbands should always keep that in mind.
6. Having sex can lead to having children. Industrialized sex views this as a potentially unfortunate hazard that should be avoided. Deciding to have a child is a decision that should be made prayerfully and with God’s guidance. And the choice of using technology – whether a thermometer or the Pill – to avoid an untimely pregnancy is a matter between a couple and their Creator. But sex should never be completely stripped of its conceptive role.
7. Sex may be a joy and a sanctuary but it is also a marital duty. It is the primary physical method God provides in order to deepen and strengthen the union of a man and a woman. Forgoing sex for long periods of time can be a form of disobedience. If we are physically able, we should give ourselves to our spouses. We are the sole means by which they are able to properly meet that physical need. Denying our spouse food or sleep would be cruel and unjust. Withholding sex is no different.
8. While it hardly needs to be said, p*rnography has no place in marriage. Sex is intended to be viewed from the place of a first-person participant, not a third-person observer. One of the reasons pornography becomes addictive is because it leads to the attempt to fulfill an impossible desire. When observing p*rn, a person shifts from an I-Thou relationship to the place of the Other, forever outside, waiting to be invited in. That invitation never comes, leading to an endlessly frustrating search for fulfillment that can never be met.
9. Equipment belongs in the factory, not in the bedroom. If you need battery-operated tools to enhance your sexual experience you have a problem.
10. Most of what gets classified under the category of sex has nothing to do with sex at all. Fetishes, sadomasochism, dominance and submission, etc., are always about something else (usually power) and never about intimacy and communication. Sort out your psychological issues on your counselor’s couch, not in your marriage bed.
11. A last bit of advice for young people: You may foolishly decide that you need to “make your own mistakes” rather than rely on the hard-earned experience of those that have gone before you. You may even be able to avoid most of the more blatantly detrimental aspects of sexual sin. I certainly did. I never suffered from the ravages of a venereal disease or had to deal with the effects of an unexpected pregnancy. I never suffered much of anything from my sin – except for loss. I lost one of the most valuable gifts God gives man: the ability to give myself completely to the person I love.
Anyone who tells you that sex outside of marriage causes no harm is a liar and a fool. You can’t build a fire in your lap and not get burned. And you can’t have multiple sexual partners and not become desensitized to the beauty and intimacy of marital intercourse. With Christ there is redemption and the hope of restoration. But before you make a rash choice, weigh the cost. It is never worth the price of true intimacy.
12. Christian couples are not only joined in union with each other but are united within the body of Christ. We belong not to ourselves but to each other. The church, therefore, must take an interest in the sexual needs of couples just as it would in the other spiritual and physical needs. The community of believers needs to show that the Bride of Christ rejects industrialized sex.
*I address this post to Christians because non-believers would not share my understanding of the role and nature of sex. While there may be some overlap of agreement, the presuppositional attitude of most non-Christians would be so foreign to my view (that God created sexual relations with a specific form and for a particular range of purposes) it would be impossible to offer suggestions for a general audience.
Spot on with the suggestions. I would further encourage couples to resist the urge to use sex as currency (to quote Switchfoot). It is not a bargaining chip for either man or woman, and using sex as such is unquestionably industrializing intimacy. This is a difficult pitfall to avoid, as it deals not with something tangible and material but with the intention of the heart.
Berry's essay could be applied to consumerism and sex in another way. Husbands and wives who have large numbers of children often are criticized for using up more up the earth's resources than they should. But having a large family requires the judicious use of resources to feed, clothe, shelter, and educate each child adequately. The father, mother, and children must forgo certain pleasures in life in order to "get by." However, those who specifically intend not to have many children, or have any children, can become oversexualized, especially when single. They focus on cosmetics, clothes, cars, interior designing, and other baubles in order to attract the next sexual conquest. So arguably, eight single people might use up more resources pursuing sex with each other than a family of eight living out normal lives.
Michael,
Actually, you're right. Its fairly well proven that large families do in fact spend less per person than smaller families (1 or 2 kids) or singles (see summer 2005 issue of Chicago Parent). Also, I was listening to Moody the other day and heard of a family of 12 living off a yearly income of $15K. They owned their own home and were debt free. Now they could very well be living in a shack somewhere as pioneers, but I still think that's remarkable.
Of course, there are always accusations of "Well, those children wouldn't be there taking up any resources if the parents only had one or two kids." And this argument is valid, UNLESS you look at people as resources of ability, intelligence, companionship and production rather than mere drains on society's resources.
"I never suffered much of anything from my sin – except for loss. I lost one of the most valuable gifts God gives man: the ability to give myself completely to the person I love."
I know whereof you speak, so it moves me deeply. Thanks for the post.
Speaking of loss, I posted this yesterday on another thread . . .
Yesterday I spent several hours doing a TV production at the Humane Society with a woman, whom I had known for years. She once confided in me that she had had five abortions. Before her last one, I pleaded with her to change her mind and offered to adopt her child, even though I already have three of my own. Her answer was something like, "No, I want to devote my life fully to helping animals. That is my calling and I know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing." When I explained to her the value of human life compared with that of a dog or cat, it resonated with her like an Arab to an igloo.
Some time has passed since that episode. She is no longer the "sex symbol" that she once was. Instead she is a lonely spinster, whose maternal instincts will probably never be satisfied and whose personal moral guilt will never be erased by anything but the grace of God.
When I gave her "Evidence That Demands A Verdict," a masterful 750 page book on Christian apologetics, she returned it. Ironically her response was: "I can't accept this. Any religion that preaches that sex outside of marriage is bad, I want no part of."
I mention her because, like others on this thread, she will never "get it" if she clings to a utilitarian worldview that relegates the value of human life to that of a beast and rejects the saving message of the Gospel because she is under the illusion that it will deny her the pleasures of this life.
hmmm...just curious why porn has a * in it. Just wondering cause I have never seen that before. Good post by the way!
Good points -- but don't forget to add the vital truth that God provides grace and forgiveness when we fall short and confess. It is also good to have a person or group to whom we can be accountable for maintaining sexual purity -- that's another role of the church.
ingo - I suspect that Joe is trying to escape the clutches of internet p*rnography content filters.
Joe,
Great post - and very thought provoking.
On the other hand, one of the thoughts it provoked was bit of a disagreement on a couple of points.
More later...
I am a bit confused about your comment: "I never suffered much of anything from my sin – except for loss. I lost one of the most valuable gifts God gives man: the ability to give myself completely to the person I love." For, as I understand it, the most valuable gift God has given man is called Grace. Grace, consisting of forgiveness, newness, and completely erasing our past sinful lives by the blood of Christ. Which means, if we have asked for His grace with a broken and desiring heart, He, The Most High, has given it to us. If then we have recieved grace, our sexual impurity and adultury is forgotten by God. (Romans 6: dead to sin, alive in Christ, freedom from sin) (and many other references). If our sin is still holding us in bondage, what then is this freedom from sin? I can personally attest to the truth that God does free us from our sexual pasts... From my own a suffereing of adultry as well as sexual abuse and my husbands of pornography addiction and adultry. Recieving our Merciful, Graceful and Loving God's forgiveness and continuing to do so, has freed us to have a wonderful and intimate (intimacy physically, emotionally and spiritually) sexual relationship. To God's Glory!
Given what God says in his word; sex is sacred, sexual sin is terrible and vile, and God's grace is sufficient to wipe your sin away. He literally does not remember your sin when you ask for his forgiveness.
We still struggle - we will until we die. But God never allows us to be faced with a struggle we can't handle. He promises that. Even in this world where sex is promoted and considered as an industry.
You have never gone beyond the reach of God's grace. Listen for his voice.
I would add, that the most devistating loss of sexual (or any) sin is the loss of relationship with God. Praise Him that it is always restorable!
Ss
Beautifully written. From my own experience it rings true.
I think the "loss" in this respect has not to do with what God remembers. "Though our sins be as scarlet, they will be made white as snow." It is more of our own inability to forgive ourselves and understand that "We are new creatures in Christ."
Either we believe that and live by it or we don't. I believe that God can not only redeem our future, he can redeem our past, if we allow Him to. Most of us don't and we dwell on the past.This can be fatal to a marriage.
I have been married for 25 years and they have been 25 of the happiest years of my wife. But seriously . . . with my past, I never would have been married or stayed married if not for grace and forgiveness -- shown by God through my most excellent and beautiful wife.
The woman that I refered to at post #5 has as much opportunity as any to recieve this grace. To whom much grace is given, much grace is received. If and when she does finally come to Christ, she will be that much more committed to him. She may never fully recover from her loss but at least the healing process would begin.