Dick Cheney, Comedian

The Weekly Standard has published some of the highlights from Dick Cheney's remarks at last night's annual Gridiron dinner:

Lots of familiar faces here tonight. I always feel a genuine bond whenever I see Senator Clinton. She's the only person who's the center of more conspiracy theories than I am.
Here's an unsigned question. "Mr. Vice President, don't you think it's time to step down and let someone else add new energy and vitality to the ticket?"

No . . . I don't. And Rudy [Guiliani], you need to do a better job disguising your handwriting.

Oh . . . and Rudy has a follow up. "How can you be so sure you'll be on the ticket?"

Because the CIA told me so! . . .

Dave Broder: "How would you accurately describe your role in this administration? Be honest."

I would say that I am a dark, insidious force pushing Bush toward war and confrontation.


Helen Thomas wants to know, "How do you justify attacking innocent dictators?"

Helen, let me get back to you on that. I need to talk to Richard Perle.

Terry Hunt of AP wants to know, "Has Senator Kerry had Botox treatments?"

Terry, I have some guidance on that from Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz:

"The Administration takes this development seriously. Botox, of course, is related to the botulism toxin, which can be processed into high-grade biological weapons. We have dispatched Dr. David Kay . . . to search for the bio-warfare agents we believe hidden in Senator Kerry's forehead. If Senator Kerry has used botox as part of a wrinkle enrichment program, he is in violation of U.N. Resolution 752. Upon receiving Dr. Kay's report, the weapons of mass destruction that Senator Kerry so adamantly insists do not exist . . . may well be above his very nose." End of statement.

Susan Page of USA Today asks, "What do you think of Senator John Edwards?"

I think he's cute as a button. . . .

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