Thanks to Hugh Hewitt for his support on my quest to win the title of King of the Blogs.
Dear Joe,
My wife and I have been talking about divorce lately. I know you've mentioned that you were divorced (though you never really say what happened) so I figured you would have some advice on how to handle the situation.
R.L.
Dear R.L.,
After five years of marriage my wife came to me and told me that there were some issues that she didn't know if we would be able to resolve. Now I'm not the brightest duck in the pond but I know that there are a few things worse than being married. One of them is being single. I also know that when a women says that she has an "issue" it's women- speak for, "You screwed up again."
I decided the best approach was to take the initiative and fix the problem before it got out of hand. I told my wife that no matter what the problem was I'd change. I'd pick up my dirty clothes. I'd put down the toilet seat. I'd pick up my dirty clothes off the toilet seat. Whatever it took I was willing to change.
Then she told me she was gay.
Gay as in happy about my new toilet seat policy, I asked. Um, no. Gay as in preferring women, she explained.
And then it dawned on me that there was a limit to just how far I was willing to change.
Now I'm not a judgmental kind of guy. Basically, I take the view that what you do behind your bedroom door is between you and the good Lord. Unless, of course, I sleep behind that bedroom door too. Then I have a harder time being open-minded.
At first it was difficult to comprehend. How could I have been married to someone for so long and then one day they change teams on me in the middle of the game? Then a friend of mine brought over our old high school yearbook and pointed out that my senior class had voted me "Most Likely to Make Women Give Up On the Male Species."
Apparently, I have that kind of affect on women.
Sometimes no matter what you do you can't keep the marriage together. That's when things get rather scary. Here are a few of the lessons that I learned from the experience that might help make the transition smoother:
Divide everything up equitably – Be fair and split everything up evenly. For example, my ex kept the furniture, the checking account, and the car. In exchange, I was allowed to take all the bills, the blame, and the guilt.
You'll have to wash clothes yourself – Here are the basic things to keep in mind: whites go in hot water, permanent press go in warm water, and colors go in a bag to be dropped off at Goodwill. Trying to figure out which colors go together is more complicated than nuclear physics. It's easier just to pick one color scheme and make that your own "style." Johnny Cash, for example, is known as the Man in Black while I'm often referred to as the Guy in Pinkish Off-White.
Learn your way around the kitchen – After my divorce I found that the kitchen intimidated me. I moved the one appliance I knew how to work, the refrigerator, into my bedroom and didn't step foot back in there for months. When I gained enough confidence I ventured in and found some amazing stuff. For example, you'll find this big, boxy thing called a a stove. It works much like a microwave only it's much slower and you can't put Tupperware in it. I learned that in case of a fire you want to use baking soda not flour even though they look really similar. Also, I learned that firemen aren't nearly as funny as they think they are.
Adjust to sleeping alone – For the first few months after being divorced I had a difficult time falling asleep at night. You get used to someone being there and when they're gone it takes time to adjust. Don't be afraid to ask your friends for help. For awhile I would have my hunting buddy Ralph come tuck me in at bedtime. He'd stick his cold feet on me and yank the covers off and then I'd could sleep like a baby.
Don't be in a rush to remarry – You'll need to time to heal and recover. Jumping into another relationship right away is always a bad idea. These things take time. Give it at least two weeks before you pop the question to anyone new.
When you do take that trip down the aisle again, just ensure that she doesn't have her fingers crossed when the preacher gets to the "until death do you part" stuff.
"Then a friend of mine brought over our old high school yearbook and pointed out that my senior class had voted me 'Most Likely to Make Women Give Up On the Male Species.'"
You are not Ted Kennedy are you?
Very funny JP! You've got my vote!
"How could I have been married to someone for so long and then one day they change teams on me in the middle of the game?"
Try communication, something that is noticeably absent from your learned lessons.
By the way, that's "CO"-mmunication - as in two people talking, not just one. We men tend to have problems with conversation, especially with the listening. We're used to holding forth, having the floor, getting our say, then pretending to listen while we try to figure out how to get the floor again. It's part of our competitive nature, a desire to always be on top.
Additionally, notions that "when a women says that she has an "issue" it's women-speak for, “You screwed up again" are wholly misogynistic and not likely to inspire any mentally healthy woman, straight or gay, to spend very much time around you.
The whole of your proffered advice adds up to, "Be a responsible adult rather than an adult child." So many men enter a marriage and then forget (if they ever knew how) to take care of themselves. I'm amazed by the number of men who do not know hot to cook rice (hint: instructions are almost always on the side of the package).
My brother went through two marriages in ten years. I askde him after the second divorce, "Did you ever cook for your wives?"
"I used to barbecue," he replied. "What else was I supposed to do?"
He got this from our male parent, who thought that the only manly cooking was on a grill or maybe over a campfire. (I was more my mother's son, a "mam's boy" in the vernacular, so I learned to cook and clean. Never married, but 10+ yers with the same woman, for whom I cook at least 4 times a week.)
I'm aware that you're at least partly joking, but any guy who has rattled around an empty kitchen while wondering if his gay wife is getting hotter chicks than him should know better than to joke about marriage or divorce. Especially when the benefit of your experience is being sought.