For the past several years I’ve been a spectator to the catfights, the petty squabbles, the backbiting, and the raised eyebrow innuendo that passes for discourse among many Godbloggers. I’ve watched silently as the flame wars spread, and the Christian soldiers, marching ever onward, hyperlinked their way toward victory for their side. I stood motionless as the links whizzed past and the buzz became a deafening roar. I did nothing as the battles crashed all around me. No longer, though, can I be silent, motionless, and inert. The time has come when I must speak out and say what’s been weighing heavy on my mind: How can I get a piece of that action?
As my buddy John Schroeder recently noted, “There is an old adage in politics - when you cannot do anything about the problem at hand, either invent a problem, or pick a smaller one you can fix, and use it as a diversion.” I can’t do anything about the problem. But I also can’t sit idly by while everyone else is getting fat the link rich site traffic. In the words of that late great sage-poet Tupac Shakur, I “Got to Get Mine.”
So in the hopes of inciting a Royal Rumble-style smackdown, I’ve decided to talk trash about as many of my fellow Christian bloggers as possible. The task, however, is more daunting than might first appear. With hundred bloggers listed in the Church Directory and the Blogdom of God, it was difficult to choose targets for my cheap jabs.
These bloggers are also all Christians, which makes it even more difficult since someone is bound to pull out that “turn the other cheek” stuff. I figured the safe bet was to swing far and wide in hopes that someone will strike back, causing a sufficient enough dust-up that I’ll be left with some Sitemeter busting traffic. After that happens we can all repent and embrace in fellowship. Then I can go back to producing monotonous, dissertation-length posts.
For today, though, its time to take some cheap shots. Let's get ready to rumble:
Tim Challies (Challies.com) – It’s all but inevitable that within five years Tim will pull a David Brock style metamorphosis and write a best-selling expose titled “Confessions of an Ex-Fundamentalist.” The dead giveaway is the hundreds of book reviews that the guy puts out. Tim has read more books this year than are in the library at Bob Jones University. And we all know what that book learnin’ does to fundamentalists.
Michael Spencer (Internet Monk) – The accusations made against Socrates are doubly true of Michael. Yes, he’s a monotheist and yes he’s a corruptor or youth. He also—and I have this on good authority—receives kickbacks from Emergent US and keeps an autographed photo of Brian McLaren on his nightstand.
Adrian Warnock (adrian warnock's blog) – Because he aspires to be the most linked-to blog on the planet, Adrian doesn’t really mind if you say something bad about him -- provided, of course, that you link to him. The most repugnant message I could send him is, therefore, a non-linked comment. To paraphrase the Soup Nazi: “No link for you!" Enjoy, my friend.
Phil Johnson (Pyromaniac) -- I could say something snarky about Phil’s tone, his views, or his allegiance to Charles Spurgeon and John MacArthur. To be honest, though, I’d rather just take a horse whip to the person who introduced Phil to Photoshop.
Frank Turk (centurion) – Did he really link to one of his own posts and call it “one of the great blog entries on any blog at any time under any circumstances”? Frank, I don’t know where you are Right Now. But where you should be is reading blogs that are written by someone other than you. Because, dude, really. That’s just lame.
Boar’s Head Tavern – Aside from Michael and Josh S., can anyone distinguish between the 35 bloggers at BHT? Yeah, me neither. Perhaps, they should just rename it “The Michael Spencer Orchestra” since they simply follow the lead of the conductor.
Jared Wilson (The Thinklings) – I used to have a great deal of respect for Jared. He was the glue that held together The Thinklings, one of the premier group Godblogs. But then a few weeks ago he shed all sense of dignity and decorum and allowed himself to be assimilated by the Borg. Et tu, Locutus?
David Wayne (JollyBlogger) – David seems like a great guy, doesn’t he? Warm, bright, genuine, and even, dare we say, jolly. And sure, he’s all those things. But he’s also a wickedly subtle intellectual. It’s a shame that Leo Strauss were not alive to exegete David’s writings for Strauss was a genius at examining writers who, like David, write with deliberate caution. Strauss believed that many of the great thinkers expressed themselves indirectly, so that only the skillful, patient reader could fully grasp them.
David Wayne, like Plato, Hobbes, and Xenophon, writes very indirectly. A careful reader, however, can pick up clues to what he is really getting at on his blog. Just as Strauss wrote "Thoughts on Machiavelli," I plan to write "Thoughts on Wayne.” In that tome I'll examine the development of the ideas that he often leaves unsaid, but can, with the proper hermeneutic tools, be uncovered (i.e., his completely unspoken belief that all Methodists are predestined for eternal damnation.).
Jason Janz (Sharper Iron) – I’m hesitant to say anything negative about Jason. When I met him at last year’s GodBlogCon he looked like he wanted to punch me in the mouth -- and that was during a friendly dinner! If I say something harsh the head of Sharper Iron may just give me the end of the spear.
Josh Claybourn (In the Agora) – He’s about to be a lawyer. This one is too easy so I'll let you insert your own insult here.
Richard Hall (connexions) – I was going to say something rude about Richard but then I remembered he’s a Methodist, which means he’s already got enough to worry about, being predestined to damnation and all (See: David Wayne).
The Intellectuelles – Yes, we know you’re all extremely intelligent, theologically astute, and serious minded. But it’s about time you answer a couple of questions we’ve all been wondering about: Do you keep your heads covered when you write your blog posts? Also, if you read something on a theoblog do you have to ask your husbands to explain it for you? (I know the church rules don't apply to blogging. But still...)
Bene (Bene Diction Blogs On) – I still haven’t quite figured out if the pseudonymous Bene is a he or a she. But I do know that he/she (a) is Canadian, (b) dislikes Americans (oh yes you do), (c) really dislikes American evangelicals (no disagreement on that one, eh?), and (d) gets irked by just about everything that American evangelical Godbloggers do (like picking pseudo-fights to drive up traffic). Bene is therefore likely to take the bait. Hence, his/her inclusion on this list.
DJ Chuang – For years I thought the "DJ" in DJ Chuang – was a hipster moniker like DJ Skribble, DJ Shadow, or DJ Squalls. But after I found out that he is both a former engineer and a graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary I realized that must be his real initials. After all, “hip” is not something that is ever associated with engineers or DTS.
Justin Taylor (Between Two Worlds) – I don’t have anything bad to say about Justin but I’ll use this opportunity to say something to the bloggers who read Between Two Worlds: No matter how much you link to his blog, Justin is not going to introduce you to John Piper.
Steve Hays (Triablogue) -- Steve, my brother, allow me to give you something that will revolutionize your blog and make all your readers happy: <blockquote>INSERT QUOTE FROM THE GUY YOUR FISKING HERE</blockquote>
Jason, Scott, Bret, and Gene (Fide-O) -- On their blog is a picture of a Rottweiler over a quote that begins “Be meek for the meek shall inherit the earth.” If your confused by such a dissonant juxtaposition keep in mind that these guys are to the Five Solas what the Jesuits are to the Pope. (And now that I’ve used them in a comparison with Catholics I’ll probably need to enter the Godbloggers Relocation Program.)
Josh S ( A Finger For Each Nostril) – Here's the key to understanding Josh S: Lutheran theology has affected him in a way similar to how chivalric romances altered Don Quixote. Once you understand that, it all makes sense.
Marla Swoffer – I can’t give the name of Marla’s blog because, for the 356th time this year, she has changed the name/taken it down/started it back up/changed the URL/started another site or taken some action to ensure that no one knows where to read her stuff.
St. Blog’s Parish -- With such numbers on their side you’d think the Catholic wing of the Godblogosphere would be primed to invade on evangelical turf like the Bloods moving in on the Crips (or at least the Sharks invading the space of the Jets). But we hear nary a peep out of them. We could even throw out vicious insults—“The Pope wears a funny hat.”--but they wouldn’t even notice since they don't read our blogs. It’s almost like we don’t exist or something. This apathy toward us may explain why we end up squabbling with each other, rather than with those Christians we might have substantial disagreements with. (By the way, he really does. The Pope. His hat. It’s kinda big and goofy.)
If you are a Godblogger that feels slighted because I didn't mention you by name, please accept my apologies. I intended to include you too. In order to compensate for this oversight please fill out the following in a way that you’d find most insulting and consider it to be something I’ve thought (but haven’t yet said) about you:
“Your view on ___________ (choose a non-essential but contentious point of doctrine) borders on the heretical. While I generally find your posts to be intelligently written and theologically sound, this position, along with your support of __________ (choose an orthodox but contentious pastor or theologian) makes me wonder if you aren’t becoming like _________ (choose a Godblogger whose views you’d never want to be associated with)."
2
On behalf of the vast editorial staff at ScrappleFace.com, we take your failure to mention us as a ringing endorsement which will appear on the dust jacket of our next book.
posted on 05.24.2006 5:41 AM3
In the words of a fellow who stirred up another riot a few years back: "Why can't we all just get along?".........
posted on 05.24.2006 5:53 AM4
You silly evangelical bloggair person. Go away or I will taunt you again.
posted on 05.24.2006 7:57 AM5
You left yourself out. I am going to fix that.
Really...Reformed Catholicism and Doug Wilson and James White and the inimitable Carla Rolfe....
posted on 05.24.2006 8:10 AM6
Let me go on-record to point out that you have completely missed the irony of the self-linking. However, any time I can get a link from Evangelical Outpost I'll take it. Stats is stats.
posted on 05.24.2006 8:12 AM7
You kind of zinged the iMonk and his crew a bit lethally there... Ouch.
Do please do one on Carla R. and the fine intellectuals at ReformedCatholicism.com (and their now 68 affiliated blogs that have the same six revolutionary, historic theological shift making posters).
posted on 05.24.2006 8:39 AM8
I really gotta start taking this Godblogging more seriously. I seem to be missing a whole lot of fun while I'm wasting my time on politics and social stuff (and the occasional NASCAR post). My bad. If I'm going to get flamed, I want to get flamed by a Godblogger!
posted on 05.24.2006 8:58 AM11
Yes, but I make brownies... good ones, I might add. And I talk about Madonna, which is so easy to do, I admit... but still... I do. And centuri0n once linked to me, and it did absolutely nothing for my stats... but still... he linked.
12
Centuri0n once linked to me, and it did wonders for his stats. :-)
posted on 05.24.2006 10:17 AM13
Jealousy is unbecoming, Joe. Thanks for the link, though.
posted on 05.24.2006 10:18 AM
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Scott On behalf of the vast editorial staff at ScrappleFace.com, we take your failure to mention us as a ringing endorsement which will appear on the dust jacket of our next book.
In the Godblog wars, ScrappleFace is Switzerland, a neutral place where we can all join together for a laugh. But if you ever need a book blurb let me know. I aspire to be my generation’s J.I. Packer, having a blurb on every book. (Scrappleface: Like The Onion, only without the hellbound heathens.)
Michael You left yourself out. I am going to fix that.
Bring it on! I expect your crew, though, will roll over like Van Till looking for a belly rub.
Really...Reformed Catholicism and Doug Wilson and James White and the inimitable Carla Rolfe....
I may have to hold a Royal Rumble II just to include all the bloggers I missed.
Frank Let me go on-record to point out that you have completely missed the irony of the self-linking.
With the exception of the entry on Phil and Photoshop (I would seriously whip that person senseless for their crime against humanity), most of them were intended to be imitations (albeit poor ones) of things that actually occur in the Godblog Wars:
--Missing intended irony. (The entry I wrote on you is an example.)
--Assuming that everyone on a group blog is a lapdog of the main blogger (i.e., Michael at BHT, Phil at Team Pyro).
--Reading into someone’s work what they didn’t actually say.
--Refusing to link to a blogger you’re criticizing.
I’ve done all this and more so when I point to others I remember that I have four fingers pointing back at me (which reminds me that I forget to include the use of hoary clichés…).
Paul You kind of zinged the iMonk and his crew a bit lethally there... Ouch.
I tried to temper each entry based on how well I know the blogger and whether I thought they’d get the joke. Also, Michael and the BHT crew take enough slings and arrow that they must have rhino skin by now. But if they can’t take a joke, then as Mark Driscoll would say [profanity deleted by moderator].
Rick If I'm going to get flamed, I want to get flamed by a Godblogger!
You’re not the only one. I’m sure Michael Servetus would have rather been flamed by a Godblogger than by John Calvin. At least the Godblog Wars are relatively harmless diversions.
15
Ha! I declare myself the winner! I got six lines of insult and trash talk out of Joe and the rest of you lamely pathetic (pathetically lame?) people could only get 2 or 3 lines. And I got to send an Arminian to hell in the process, without even trying! Yeah, that's what I'm talking 'bout.
posted on 05.24.2006 11:01 AM17
Do you want real catfights, petty squabbles, and backbiting? Try posting the Biblical responses to hot topics such as abortion, homosexuality, euthanasia, the Iraq war, Muslim extremism, Creation/Intelligent Design/Evolution etc. and then coming back to answer comments from left-wing non-believers. Whew! I've been called every derogatory name you could think of...including a new one..."New-aged Nazi"!
I've had pseudo-bloggers (who had pretended to be Christian but were quite quickly found out to be fake), skeptics, atheists, homosexual activists, one communist and even a few "prophets" whose posts were so way up beyond the ozone into the outer limits of space that one could only conclude that they have been sniffing the proverbial glue (HT: poster named Boo).
Eh...guess I should have listened to Prof. Muehlhoff when he advised me that it would be most difficult to get any results when attempting to evangelize non-believers through a blog. If you are interested, you could read my blogpost about Prof. Muehlhoff's break-out session at GodBlogCon 2005. In fact, I NEED to go back and read it again myself!
I really loved one of the quotes he shared. Guess it could apply towards anyone with disagreements; even petty disagreements between Christians:
"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility." —Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I know that the original post here was most likely meant to be humorous...right?
Maybe not...
Sometimes truth is often revealed through humor.
Despite denominational differences, I do think that almost all Christians might agree on the basics of the Gospel, that being, to "preach and teach Jesus Christ and Him crucified." It is the one unifying factor that we all should agree upon...no?
P.S. I'm so sad that I can't attend GodBlogCon 2006! I'll be with my husband on a business trip... :-(
Come visit me at Talkwisdom
18
Oooh, oooh, Mr. Kotter, can I play? Can I play, too? I want to insult people for fun and profit (is that a book title?), too!
Well Joe, you're a ...
...
...
Dang, all the good ones are already taken. Never mind. :)
19
Steve's excuse at Tblogue is that he uses Safari and the blockquote function doesn't work for him.
Uh-huh.
posted on 05.24.2006 1:32 PM20
Man,
one day I'm gonna be on that list..... why if the Jollyblogger can, I can too. Can someone get me the steroids, I need to bulk up!
21
Joe, please change the SBP link to http://stblogsparish.com/list
posted on 05.24.2006 3:34 PM22
"Steve's excuse at Tblogue is that he uses Safari and the blockquote function doesn't work for him."
Riiiiight. I know Safari cuts some corners regarding standards, but IIRC blockquote has been part of the HTML standard for a very long time.
posted on 05.24.2006 3:38 PM23
other than me of course, you really of should included http://holyoffice.livejournal.com/
Without a doubt, one of the funniest folks out there, especially his post on Interpretive Dance Theocrats
posted on 05.24.2006 4:10 PM24
iMonkey:
Don't start. The Iranians may take it as a signal of social unrest if the great blog vendetta breaks out again, and then there'll only be blood for oil.
Or something like that.
posted on 05.24.2006 4:22 PM25
"
Tim Challies (Challies.com) – It’s all but inevitable that within five years Tim will pull a David Brock style metamorphosis and write a best-selling expose titled “Confessions of an Ex-Fundamentalist.” The dead giveaway is the hundreds of book reviews that the guy puts out. Tim has read more books this year than are in the library at Bob Jones University. And we all know what that book learnin’ does to fundamentalists. "
This is probably the funniest thing I've read all week.
posted on 05.24.2006 7:50 PM29
"It’s all but inevitable that within five years Tim will pull a David Brock style metamorphosis and write a best-selling expose titled “Confessions of an Ex-Fundamentalist.” The dead giveaway is the hundreds of book reviews that the guy puts out. Tim has read more books this year than are in the library at Bob Jones University. And we all know what that book learnin’ does to fundamentalists. "
Interesting. I got linked here from ShaperIron, Jason Janz' site. I am really working on a book with a similar name. My blog has NO TRAFFIC, but maybe someday.
posted on 05.25.2006 8:51 AM30
Bob,
If you are worried about your blog having no traffic, at least you could link to yourself in your comment.
Frank
posted on 05.25.2006 10:24 AM31
I like that you use an Equal Opportunity format for dishing it out, so to speak. You missed mention mine though, with it's 10 or 12 regular readers. Bet your jealous of those stats, huh?
posted on 05.25.2006 10:57 AM32
Oh, it's ON like Donkey Kong now!
Not really. I've just been really antsy to use that phrase. Thanks for the opportunity, you fuzzy headed ninnymuggins.
33
Things to do before I die:
* Get a specific mention on one of Joe's Royal Rumbles
posted on 05.25.2006 11:25 AM35
Wasn't the last person to say "on like Donkey Kong" Arnold on "Diff'rent Strokes"?
And look where it got him. I'm not stirring up trouble -- I'm just sayin'.
posted on 05.25.2006 12:15 PM36
Just for the record, Joe, BJU's library covers 90,000 square feet, seats 1,200 people simultaneously, and includes 301,000 volumes and 1,100+ periodicals, besides a wealth of electronic resources. Tim must be one fast reader. :-)
posted on 05.25.2006 12:56 PM38
Carter,
Peace man.
It wasn't you. Just the fact that my rental car had a cigarette smell, the pro-life bloggers wouldn't stop talking so I could get a word in edge-wise, I forgot my shoes, and I was in LA.
But, hey, let me know when you want to fight. SI now has full body armor for all of it's editors.
posted on 05.25.2006 3:34 PM39
...the pro-life bloggers wouldn't stop talking so I could get a word in edge-wise...
That's funny. I remember exactly who you're talking about. I skipped out on another event because that blogger was going to be there and I wanted to avoid that same fate.
posted on 05.25.2006 3:39 PM40
Welcome to the blogosphere Joe! We need all the evangelical bloggers we can get. If you need any advice let me know.
posted on 05.25.2006 3:51 PM41
I'm not what you would consider a "GodBlogger", so I don't feel slighted at all.
That shouldn't stop any of you from visiting my site. *grin*
posted on 05.25.2006 5:22 PM42
Gee, I wish I was famous enough to get insulted...
posted on 05.25.2006 8:32 PM43
Funny stuff right there. And no, I'm not just commenting so more people will visit my site so someday I can be listed.
It's totally not like that.
It's totally not.
You can see right through me can't you.
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I wonder if there's any chance I could pass on the damnation and just take the all? In fact, I'll take the 4 all's!
posted on 05.26.2006 3:06 AM45
*Riotous Appplause*
This should be a regular feature! If you carry on in this regard you'll present a serious threat to Mr Purgatorio and may well end up stealing his entire readership.
Well done :0)
posted on 05.26.2006 3:13 AM46
I'm not so upset that you dissed me, but you could have at least got a couple swipes out against the homeschool moms!
posted on 05.26.2006 6:31 AM47
the imonk said "Really...Reformed Catholicism and Doug Wilson and James White and the inimitable Carla Rolfe...."
Inimitable, I like that. I'll take it.
Doug said: "I'm not so upset that you dissed me, but you could have at least got a couple swipes out against the homeschool moms!"
Hey Doug, thanks for your support! :o)
posted on 05.26.2006 6:48 AM48
Oh, I don't know, Carla; I think I can imitate you.
"Oh, love that TULIP, eh? Emergents can't take a little Biblical analysis? Well, soe-ree a-bote that, eh?"
(c;
posted on 05.26.2006 8:11 AM50
Thank you also for missing me although I found your comments quite funny and interesting all at the same time.
posted on 05.26.2006 1:57 PM51
I am the token non jesus worshipper who follows SOME of these blogs.
If you want to get some laughs, say something nice about muslims to centurion.
Or say that jesus worshippers can be mean...that is a crowd pleaser.
These guys are like a car crash...you cant look at it, but you cant look away.
Now, I can say with 100% percent certainty that I have not changed by ideas about jesus through my contact with "godbloggers". This is typical of much of the traffic in verbiage that I see about jesus...it is very entertaining to the already converted,and ignored my those who don't already agree.
I have posted a picture commentary to my blog...
http://chamblee54.blogspot.com
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ROTFLOL.... DAN! I am not Canadian!
That was pretty good though, I'll give you that.
:o)
53
After reading this post (and laughing out loud) I can't decide if I want to write more posts on Christianity, or cut them out all together.
Godblogging seems...possibly rough terrain.
posted on 05.29.2006 10:55 PM54
You know Joe, I'm hurt. Clearly you're biased towards offending intellectual, theological brainiac bloggers. But what about we more shallow, fun-loving niche bloggers? We're not worthy of your offending links? I ask you, what's really more controversial than discussing sex and single people in an evangelical context? Or more heretical than posting on women in church leadership roles?
...oh sorry, didn't see the form at the bottom. I'll just fill that out now... (great post!) :-)
posted on 05.30.2006 1:57 AM55
Christine:
I should have listened to Prof. Muehlhoff when he advised me that it would be most difficult to get any results when attempting to evangelize non-believers through a blog.
I think the issue is deeper than that: while evangelism works best at an interpersonal level, for a great many reasons, there is a place for taking on the issues and rhetoric thrown att he Christian faith in the general culture, especially that of the somewhat educated.
The issue is to fight for, win and hold mindspace is hte face of the usual shut-up rhetoric. And, the accusation "nazi" is a particularly abundant form of invidious comparison intended to shut us up.
Thanks for the interesting comments, all. I had real fun readint through.
Grace to all
Gordon
posted on 05.30.2006 5:17 AM56
H'mm:
I am sleepy this morning!
May i cite a very appropriate text?
1 Pet 3:15 But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, 16 keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.
A real challenge!
Grace to all
Gordon
posted on 05.30.2006 5:28 AM57
Hey, someone still remembers me! Thanks, Joe :) I'm actually gone from the blogdom for good this time, or at least until my kids are out of diapers. I wouldn't even be here now except that I googled something and stumbled on to a post in the Intellectuelle archive that apparently has been memorialized in google's cache, so as much as I want to just disappear from cyberspace, it won't fully release me...kinda freaky...now what's this about Jared and BHT? Talk about your fickle bloggers ;)
posted on 05.31.2006 12:16 PM