Dear Joe,
I'm getting married in two months and I need some advice. All my married (male) friends keep telling me that I don't realize what I'll be missing out on by getting hitched. I've been looking forward to settling down but now they've got me spooked. What exactly is it that I'll be missing out on, anyway?
Dear T.J.,
Let's first consider some of the benefits of being married. Gaining a spouse means having someone who will do the cooking and the cleaning. It means having someone to buy the groceries, provide comfort during illnesses, and pick the dirty socks up off the floor. Getting married is like gaining the benefits of a nurse, a maid, and a cook. That is of course, what the woman gets; I'm still not sure what men get out of the deal.
Having entered my third year of marital bliss I can say that there’s only one aspect of being married that causes me to feel that I’m missing out. It’s not the loss of control over my money or my time. After a few months you adjust to handing over your paycheck and appointment book. And within the first year you'll even be able to overcome your anxiety about losing your manhood, which she’ll be storing in her purse for safe-keeping. But there is one aspect that you will find it difficult to adjust to. Once you get married you will never again be allowed to take a nap.
For a woman, catching her husband napping is the second worst thing she can catch her man doing in their bed. (The first, of course, is discovering him drinking grape Kool-Aid on the 300 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. Finding him with another woman, however, runs a close third.) Women believe that the only reason a man would want to take a nap is because he is either trying to ignore her or is avoiding spending time with her. The truth is that men take naps because we are tired. Too tired, in fact, to think of more creative ways to ignore our wives and avoid spending time with them.
Unfortunately for us, there’s nothing that upsets a woman more than not having her husband's undivided attention. Women crave our attention not because of anything that they are lacking within themselves, but because it is necessary to fulfill their Master Plan of Marriage -- recreating us into the men they want us to become.
What women fail to mention before the wedding is that they would never agree to marry us if they thought we’d remain the same pathetic losers that they first met. Every wife has an ideal of what her husband can be, and given enough time and the proper guidance, knows that he can become. Every minute that he spends being inattentive is, therefore, time wasted.
That is why napping is a husband's natural defense mechanism. We men realize that we are completely screwed up, yet, for some inexplicable reason, we don't feel the need to change. Since we can rarely muster the audacity to openly show disdain for the Master Plan, we have to take a more passive-aggressive approach. By napping we can enter an unconscious state where we don't have to think about our feelings, ponder where this relationship is going, or answer questions about why the floor around the toilet is always sticky. Napping isn’t necessarily our only option. But it is less painful than having our friends put us in a sleeper hold until we black out.
1
Heh. If that's the trade-off, this bachelor will take it. There's always the chance that if we are sensitive and supportive of our wives' aspirations, they'll get so busy self-actualizing we can catch a few winks. . . . :-)
Cheers,
PGE
2
Gaining a spouse means having someone who will do the cooking and the cleaning. It means having someone to buy the groceries, provide comfort during illnesses, and pick the dirty socks up off the floor. Getting married is like gaining the benefits of a nurse, a maid, and a cook. That is of course, what the woman gets
I didn't realize how true this was until after I was married last year.......As I was scrubbing the bath tub last week, the thought occurred to me that "I bet her grandfather never had to scrub a bath tub...what's with women these days??"...oh well. That's what I get for marrying up. Hilarious post.
posted on 04.07.2006 7:11 AM3
I just hope everyone realizes that this is (mostly) a joke. It's true, though, that it takes them a few years to realize they can't change us. (It generally takes us a couple of months to realize we aren't changing them.)
posted on 04.07.2006 9:53 AM4
Best. Post. Ever.
By the way, all the cool kids are over at the E.O. Forum discussing everything from the theological significance of carrion-eating to the question of whether there is such a thing as "nature". Come take a peek. Everybody who's anybody is doing it.
posted on 04.07.2006 10:27 AM5
A little advise from Solomon on wives, and he should know. Pr 25:24 ¶ It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
posted on 04.07.2006 10:38 AM6
...(The first, of course, is discovering him drinking grape Kool-Aid on the 300 thread count Egyptian cotton)...
My 3rd week of bliss I was busted for eating watermelon on our new sofa & using my shirt as a napkin....now it is cut in cubes for me
7
Mmmmm, naps.
Those naps are even more scarce once young versions of yourself and your wife are scampering around underfoot. I had just caught about 5 minutes of blissful nap-narcolepsy last Saturday afternoon when my wife handed me the cell phone. Unfortunately I had forgotten to attach the sign to my forehead: DO NOT WAKE UP UNLESS THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE.
I guess I'll be making up the lost nap time when I retire. With the way the government keeps screwing around with Social Security, that'll be about age 70 for me.
posted on 04.07.2006 11:29 AM8
Dang it, Joe...
My wife read this, woke me up from my nap, and made me take a shower. And it ain't even Saturday.
9
Steve, looks like you're only a dog and a train and a melody short of a country music hit.
posted on 04.08.2006 9:27 AM11
I think all women should encourage their husbands to nap...growing, maturing boys need their sleep! ;)
posted on 04.09.2006 12:05 PM12
this is so funny. i actually do this with my husband. h e knows i will get mad if he is napping.
posted on 04.10.2006 12:59 AM13
I always thought that naps were male body language for "You may think that there are chores to be done but I obviously disagree".
posted on 04.10.2006 2:45 PM14
THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE FUNNIEST THINGS I'VE HEARD FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH. FELLAS, JUST KNOW THIS IF I CATCH MY HUSBAND NAPPING, I SAY A PRAYER THANKING GOD THAT I CAN NOW READ IN PEACE. OR BAKE, OR COOK A NEW DISH, OR EVEN NAP BESIDE HIM. BEEN MARRIED TO MY GUY FOR 17 1/2 YEARS. AND I REALIZED UPON MEETING HIM THAT GOD GAVE US EACH OUR OWN MINDS AND WE HAVE OUR OWN AGENDAS AT TIMES. SO AS LONG AS HE'S NOT OUT DRINKING, CAROUSING, OR SOWING SOME YOUTHFUL LUSTS, I'M OK WITH HIS NAPPING ANYTIME HE NEEDS A NAP. AND JUST FOR THE RECORD, IF YOUR FRIENDS ARE MAKING YOU NERVOUS, MAYBE YOU ARE NOT READY, YOU ARE JUST USING THAT AS AN EXCUSE. MARRIAGE TO YOUR SOUL-MATE IS A WONDERFUL THING!!! AND NO I DIDN'T TRAIN HIM, I JUST TRUSTED HIM AND LOVED HIM THROUGH IT ALL!!! AND YOU LOSE NOTHING BUT SO-CALLED FRIENDS WHO LIKE THE WAY YOU ATTRACT THE WOMEN FOR THEM. TRUST GOD'S WORD THAT SAYS, HE THAT FINDETH A WIFE, FINDETH A GOOD THING, AND OBTAINETH FAVOR OF THE LORD. PROVERBS 18:22
SO FEAR NOT , AND IF THEY CAN CHANGE YOUR DESIRES, THEN MAYBE YOU DON'T DESERVE HER ANYWAY!!! IF YOU LOVE HER, REMEMBER, TRUST GOD. JUST MAYBE YOUR SO-CALLED FRIENDS HAVEN'T FOUND THEIR SOUL-MATES YET. AND AREN'T HAPPY THAT YOURS CAME ALONG BEFORE THEIRS. BUT IF THEY ARE TRULY YOUR FRIENDS, THEY WILL RESPECT YOU, AND YOUR WIFE TO BE IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD. MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU. BE STRONG!!!
15
Angel,
That is so nice. . . and thanks for the Proverbs quote...
But - for most of us married folk with wives whom have not reviewed Proverbs of late... Yet are extremely well versed on the commandments. . .
I believe the unwritten eleventh commandment states:
"THOU SHALT NOT TAKETH A NAPETH IN THY OWN HOUSEHOLD, SO LONG AS YOU BOTH SHALL LIVE"
Or something like that!!!
16
I disagree, Charlie; the 11th commandment is obviously:
"Thou shalt cook out."
We'll begin our expository Bible study at the 10th Commandment in Exodus 20:17...
http://gopchristian.blogspot.com/2006/04/11th-commandment.html
posted on 04.11.2006 5:07 PM17
Good job Joe.
I heard once, "A woman marries a man in hopes he will change, and he never does. A man marries a woman in hopes she will never change, and she always does."
I've been pretty serious with this young lady friend of mine for a few months now, but lady she has just turned into a constant nag. Every time we're together, she tells me we're not spending enough time together, I'm not attentive enough, and . . . she said something else that I wasn't listening to. So, I'll probably be breaking it off sometime this week. My life needs more simplicity, not less.
posted on 04.12.2006 5:20 PM18
Sorry . . .meant to say "Lately she has turned into a nag."
posted on 04.12.2006 5:20 PM19
I think my husband and I must have an extreme role reversal thing going!
Once I got married, any idea of going to sleep early was quickly squashed by my husband, whose idea of marital bliss was to keep me awake watching late night TV. Once the babies came, it was I --- of course --- who got up with them during the night and early in the morning. As a survival tactic, I learned to go to sleep at nights with lights on and TV blaring.
And he's the one who can't stand to see me napping. Either he needs my attention, or he insists that a child or two or three needs my immediate attention, or he has some inane question to ask me (his favorite: "How long are you going to keep on sleeping?") or he simply encourages the children to be as noisy as possible so that, if that doesn't jolt me from my slumber, his loud proclamations of "Be quiet! Your mother is trying to sleep!" will.
The thing I miss most about my single days is sleep. Really. That and the time and freedom to spend a leisurely Saturday just hanging out somewhere...
The thing I can't figure out about husbands? They don't want to talk to you, don't want to hear you talk, but want you nearby just in case. Or maybe it's so they can pointedly ignore you. After over two decades of marriage, I still can't figure this one out.
posted on 04.14.2006 10:50 PM