Over the past few weeks I've written posts on politics, foreign policy, environmentalism, and bioethics. But today we must set aside such trivial issues and turn to more serious matters: preparing men for Valentine's Day.
With only 24 hours left you need to start making plans now. Wait much longer and you'll find yourself at the Quik-E-Mart fighting other pathetic slobs for the last Whitman�s sampler or single-stem plucked-in-November rose.
But I have an alternative to cheap candy and wilted flowers. It's thoughtful. It's romantic. It's cheap.
It's the love letter.
Follow these steps in writing your love letter and you just might be able to prevent your Valentine's Day from becoming another massacre:
Buy some stationery -- You're a big boy now so throw away the Big Chief tablet you've had since 3rd grade and buy some quality paper. Keep in mind that if you don't feel like a total wuss when you buy the stationery then you purchased the wrong type.
Don't even think of typing the letter -- Unless you have the penmanship of a doctor, the letter should be in your own handwriting. If you have the penmanship of a doctor because you are a doctor, then you make enough money that you don't have to worry about impressing women anyway.
Be specific and personal -- Don't just write one letter that you photocopy and hand out to all the new girls you meet. That won't get you anywhere. You have to actually go to the trouble of copying the same letter out by hand every time you give it to a different girl.
Points will be deducted for spelling -- Pretend you're giving the letter to your high school English teacher who'll be taking points off for spelling. Since women pass the letters around to their inner circle - which tends to include every woman in a 50 mile radius - you'll be judged by plenty of people. You might consider having a female friend proofread it for you since she�ll soon be reading it anyway.
(By the way, if the letter is intended for your high school English teacher then you have issues that even I can't help you with.)
Write, rewrite, repeat -- Start out by writing a rough draft. Now take your rough draft and throw it away because it makes you sound like an idiot.
Seriously, it does. Just trust me on this one. I don't know why that's always true. It just is.
Write it again and try not to be so sappy this time. You don't want to scare her away by giving her the impression that you�re some kind of freak. She shouldn't be able to figure out what kind of freak you are until she's been married to you for at least ten years.
Resist the temptation to give her a note that says, "Do you like me? Check yes or no." -- This was cute and original the first 500 times she received this type of note from some faux-sensitive guy who wants to give the impression that he's being "child-like" when in reality he's just being lazy.
Unfortunately, this is the sole opportunity for a guy to be lazy and have a woman think that he's being cute. That's also why better minds have thought of using this corny gimmick long before you came along.
Give it to her before you chicken out -- Your brain will try to talk you out of giving her the love letter. It will tell you that you're setting yourself up for future embarrassment. Your brain, of course, is right. But don't listen to reason. Being in love has nothing to do with being reasonable. In fact, love requires that you make completely irrational choices. If we didn't there would be no romance, no marriage, and no jewelry stores.
A last resort -- If all else fails and you just can't think of anything, let me know. I'll send you a photocopy of the letter I use. Just remember to copy it in your own handwriting and to not give it to any girl whose zip code starts with 7. Otherwise, there's a good chance she's seen the letter before.
1
Oh, man. That is prime stuff. And I'm afraid you have compelled me to quote from my own upcoming romance novel, in which a man who writes a newspaper column explaining women to men advises:
Having flowers delivered to a woman's home is a waste of money.... Flowers should always be sent to her place of employment so she can be envied by her coworkers for having received them.
In another passage, the guy writes:
The challenge of buying presents for a woman is compounded by the fact that she'll compare your gift to those her friends receive from their husbands and boyfriends. "Did you hear what Jake gave Tiffany?" is the post-holiday question every man learns to dread.
A smart man realizes that if he gives too small a gift, his woman will make him suffer. But if he's too extravagant he'll be ostracized by his male friends for raising the bar.
Since there is so little margin for error, men should always consult their buddies before buying any gift for a woman.
Hope you find this helpful, guys. ;-) Happy Valentine's Day.
posted on 02.13.2006 12:41 AM2
Amen, amen, amen, Joe.
I've taken to writing letters to my wife, and I can't commend it highly enough. For those fellas out there who are worried about not having anything particularly romantic or eloquent to say - don't worry. I realize my wife is exceptional, but I find that she really doesn't even care that much about what I write, she just loves the fact that I buy stationary and put the effort into writing a letter.
Bonus points: Use sealing wax. You can get wax and stamps at Barnes & Noble. Take a few practice runs with it, though. I've botched a few envelopes in my time.
posted on 02.13.2006 8:29 AM3
Flowers should always be sent to her place of employment so she can be envied by her coworkers for having received them.
This is so true. I got 10 years' worth of "get out of the doghouse free" cards by having a huge teddy bear and candy delivered to my wife's office.
posted on 02.13.2006 10:42 AM4
Re: delivering flowers to the office vs. home
I once watched an Oprah show with my wife where a woman from the audience got a chance to meet her favorite movie star. The guy came out and gave her this huge kiss. Instead of focusing on the man, her eyes were wide open watching the rest of the audience, making darn sure that all the other women got a good look at her being smooched by this hunk.
:-)
posted on 02.13.2006 2:48 PM5
That's all great advice, except for one thing. None of it works. It will only work if you use the EXACTLY correct words for that particular woman, use the EXACT type of stationery she considers “pretty”, select EXACTLY the gift she’s thinking of, and present all this at the EXACTLY right moment. In other words, the only thing that she REALLY wants is CLAIRVOYANCE AND COMPLIANCE. Apparently you are lucky enough to have accomplished all this by blind chance, but that doesn’t make it valid.
posted on 02.13.2006 6:40 PM6
A terrific idea, Joe. Since nobody handwrites anything anymore, a love letter is novel and charming, harking back to another time. Quite romantic. Plus, you neglected to mention the guy gets cool points for days, as she re-reads it every night before she goes to bed. :-)
posted on 02.13.2006 6:40 PM7
Holy crap, John M. has had some bad relationships. My bride expects none of those things, bro. Only that I would delight in her because she delights me. Sappy but true.
posted on 02.14.2006 12:15 AM8
My husband died young. I wish I had more things written by him. I know he loved my the way a husband was designed to love his wife, but it is never a bad thing to be told how and why you are special.
posted on 02.14.2006 11:53 AM