Dear Joe,
My wife and I have been talking about divorce lately. I know you've mentioned that you were divorced (though you never really say what happened) so I figured you would have some advice on how to handle the situation.
R.L.
Dear R.L.,
After five years of marriage my wife came to me and told me that there were some issues that she didn't know if we would be able to resolve. Now I'm not the brightest duck in the pond but I know that there are a few things worse than being married. One of them is being single. I also know that when a women says that she has an “issue" it's woman-speak for, “You screwed up again.“
I decided the best approach was to take the initiative and fix the problem before it got out of hand. I told my wife that no matter what the problem was, I’d change. I'd pick up my dirty clothes. I'd put down the toilet seat. I'd pick up my dirty clothes off the toilet seat. Whatever it took I was willing to change.
Then she told me she was gay.
Gay as in happy about my new toilet seat policy, I asked. Um, no. Gay as in preferring women, she explained.
And then it dawned on me that there was a limit to just how far I was willing to change.
Now I'm not a judgmental kind of guy. Basically, I take the view that what you do behind your bedroom door is between you and the good Lord. Unless, of course, I sleep behind that bedroom door too. Then I have a harder time being open-minded.
At first it was difficult to comprehend. How could I have been married to someone for so long and then one day they change teams on me in the middle of the game? Then a friend of mine brought over our old high school yearbook and pointed out that my senior class had voted me “Most Likely to Make Women Give Up On the Male Species."
Apparently, I have that kind of affect on women.
Sometimes no matter what you do you can't keep the marriage together. That's when things get rather scary. Here are a few of the lessons that I learned from the experience that might help make the transition smoother:
Divide everything up equitably – Be fair and split everything up evenly. For example, my ex kept the furniture, the checking account, and the car. In exchange, I was allowed to take all the bills, the blame, and the guilt.
You'll have to wash clothes yourself – Here are the basic things to keep in mind: whites go in hot water, permanent press go in warm water, and colors go in a bag to be dropped off at Goodwill. Trying to figure out which colors go together is more complicated than nuclear physics. It's easier just to pick one color scheme and make that your own “style." Johnny Cash, for example, is known as the Man in Black while I was often referred to as the Guy in Pinkish Off-White.
Learn your way around the kitchen – After my divorce I found that the kitchen intimidated me so I moved the one appliance I knew how to work, the refrigerator, into my bedroom and didn't step foot back in there for months. When I gained enough confidence I ventured in and found some amazing stuff. For example, you'll find this big, boxy thing called a a stove. It works much like a microwave only it's much slower and you can't put Tupperware in it. I also learned that a grease fire can be put out with baking soda and that while flour and sugar look very similiar, they are not nearly as effective.
Adjust to sleeping alone – For the first few months after being divorced I had a difficult time falling asleep at night. You get used to someone being there and when they're gone it takes time to adjust. Don't be afraid to ask your friends for help. For awhile I would have my hunting buddy Ralph come tuck me in at bedtime. He'd stick his cold feet on me and yank the covers off and then I'd could sleep like a baby.
Don't be in a rush to remarry – You'll need to time to heal and recover. Jumping into another relationship right away is always a bad idea. These things take time. Give it at least two weeks before you pop the question to anyone new.
When you do take that trip down the aisle again, just ensure that she doesn't have her fingers crossed when the preacher gets to the “until death do you part" stuff.
[Note: This material was previously written for a faux-advice column for a small-town newspaper. Just because its not all that funny does not mean that it warrants sober analysis. This is just filler until I get back after the New Year so please don't take it too seriously.]
1
hmmm...
I know that there are a few things worse than being married. One of them is being single.
For a lot of folks, there are a few worse things than being single...One of them is being married (at least to their former spouse)
I'm becoming a real advocate for singles in churches...it's difficult when being married seems like it's one of the most important things you can do (I've heard it called the "crucible of saint making)
I've written a research paper - I've only got the first couple of sections done, my goal is to have the whole thing on the blog before break is over.
http://writingsofellen.blogspot.com/
2
Interesting response, Ellen. Of course, Joe's remark was tongue-in-cheek, but you've hit on something interesting.
There are some limits, though, when one is single. For example, I'm a never-been-married guy who spent two years teaching at a girls' school, and now teach at a college where my students are mostly women, and--there are some real limitations, distractions, and hindrances when I try to work with young, single women. If I were married, I'd have a logical way to work through those problems--for example, how to show personal interest in someone without engaging in improper emotional closeness--by meeting as a couple/family with those who might have some inkling of interest in Christ. As it is, I'm often treading very thin ice and/or backing off to pray where I still feel very strongly that I should be helping, if only there were a good way.
But, yeah, the church/school "marriage rush" can be a very harmful thing, and being right in our non-sexual relationships is just as important as marrying the right person (or not marrying the wrong ones!) can be.
Cheers,
PGE
3
Divorce can be very painfull for both parties involved. It is always better to try and find a point of compromise and salvage the marriage. Sometimes (Like in Joe's case) there is no clear way to ammend the relationship. My only advice is this. Whatever happens always put it up to God through prayer. God loves you and will never let you down. People can sometimes let you down but God never will. Also, remember we cannot truely decern God's will. This might be happening for a reason that you do not understand at this point in your life.
My prayers and love be with you.
Brian Parker
4
Ah, divorce -- my favorite subject (ha ha).
I was married almost 19 years the first time. There are lots of reasons why it was HER fault -- drinking, child abuse, mental health issues (bipolar, eating disorders, obsessive/compulsive, you name it) -- but honestly, it was my fault, too. It has been even harder on our two kids.
It is not the end of the world. There is life after divorce.
It brought me closer to God, and helped me realize what is really important in life.
I would be willing to help anyone going through this.
Bob
posted on 12.27.2005 8:58 AM5
Thanks for the post, Joe. A little humor can certainly provide both perspective and relief from the pain of divorce. I was married and divorced (against my wishes) as a Christian. I don't think there's anything good about divorce, and believe that God meant it when He said "I hate divorce." I strongly discourage it, when I can.
However, as I learned, it is sometimes unavoidable. That doesn't make it any easier. My kids suffered and still bear scars they're not even fully aware of, almost 20 years later. I suffered emotionally, not just from the personal injury, but even from the attitudes and doctrinal positions of some of my closest friends in church.
I hope the use of humor, as helpful as it can be, doesn't encourage anyone to take divorce lightly. It's entirely destructive. God will turn it to our good, just like he will terminal cancer, or the murder of one of our children, but that doesn't make it a good thing.
posted on 12.28.2005 8:13 AM6
Joe wrote: "This is just filler until I get back after the New Year so please don't take it too seriously."
My thoughts exactly.
I have been through the pain of divorce and it is anything but funny, filler or trivial. This article comes off as only flippant, sarcastic and definitely not humorous.
In your hurried casual approach in posting this, you never offered any real hope, biblical advice or humble knowledge on this most important issue.
I hope your "new post" after you get back from the holiday will be more sober-minded as to what this issue deserves. This is the hardest time of the year for people that have gone through a divorce, and while it has been almost six years since my wife left me and my five kids, the pain is just as real today though by God's grace He has done a wonderful work in us all.
Please, Joe, treat this issue with the care and respect it deserves...
We stand in grace,
Steve
Col. 1:9-14
7
Steve,
I can't really understand the pain of divorce (I've been married happily for 7 years now), but I've seen enough of it in my life (including with my parents) to think you've misunderstood Joe's intent here. If you re-read Joe's post carefully, I think you'll see it differently.
He jokes about the surprise of the circumstances and his inability to change them. He talks about the change in lifestyle without emotion, as if he were discussing the trials and tribulations of adjusting to a new furniture layout or the frustrations of a new car with the windshield wiper controls in the wrong spot.
Humor here is being used as a shield, and this shield of "flippancy" is purposefully full of holes--the aspects of divorce he *doesn't* discuss.
Those absences of mention are where we are supposed to read through the lines and see where the heart has suffered the most. It's what is left unsaid that says the most.
posted on 12.29.2005 11:54 PM