Dear Joe,
My wedding is in two weeks and I’ve been asking every married couple I know the secret to a happy marriage. While most of what they say is helpful - though a bit bland - I thought you might have some special insight to share on the subject. What, in your opinion, does in take to make a marriage work?
Dear S.A.B.,
To truly learn the secret of a successful marriage you have to ask someone who is has been divorced. People who are already happily married have no clue what they are doing right. They just go through life hoping they don’t screw it up. Only after you get divorced do you learn exactly what you could have done better.
Sometimes the realization comes from a self-evaluating, soul-searching process. Other times it only comes after months of counseling. It can also come, as in my case, in the form of a 40-page document from one’s former spouse detailing in extreme detail all the ways in which you fell short as a husband.
Since my first wife left me for another woman, the idea that I could have been to blame came as a bit of a surprise. “Let me get this straight,” I said. “You turn gay and it’s my fault the marriage didn’t work out?”
“Keep in mind,” she noted, “that I only lost interest in men after being married to you.”
Touché
While I have no idea what women can do to make a marriage work, I do know what men can do better. All of the following suggestions, therefore, are specifically for husbands:
Close the bathroom door - Some people will tell you that being able to go to the bathroom in front of your wife shows how comfortable you are with each other. These people are idiots. Allowing your wife to see you on the toilet doesn’t show you are comfortable, it shows that you‘re nasty.
The reason your wife finds Brad Pitt sexier than you isn't just because he's better looking (though he is that). It's also because she’s never seen him doing his business. If you want to keep any mystery and romance in your marriage then close the bathroom door. And while you’re in there, make her happy and put the lid down on the toilet. That's what she thinks Brad would do
Learn to compromise - In any long-term relationship, differences of opinion are bound to arise. Two people can’t live together for long without finding there are matters on which they disagree. Sometime the issues are minor, such as disagreements over what color to paint the bathroom. Other times they are more profound, such as why exactly the bathroom has to be painted on SuperBowl Sunday.
The key to working through these differences is learning to compromise. Normally this would mean finding common ground on which you both can agree. In marriage, however, compromise means that you let her get her way. You won’t find that definition in the dictionary but its better that you learn the true meaning now rather than have it explained to you by her divorce lawyer.
Call her bluff - Women like to talk about “feelings” and say that they want us to talk about them too. The truth is that women have no interest in really knowing how we feel. What they really want is for us to shut up and to listen to them. Since real men have two “feelings” - hungry and gassy - wives really don’t care to hear about our emotional state.
When your wife starts using phrases such as “opening up”, “getting in touch with your feminine side”, and other nonsense she picked up from watching Oprah, just tell her what she thinks she wants to hear. Explain to her that you often have “body image” problems and that you occasionally feel the need to eat chocolate after your catty co-workers hurt your feelings. Finish this off by asking her to hold you while you “have a good cry.”
After that, you can rest assured that she’ll never ask you to share your feelings again. In fact, she’ll go out of her way to avoid getting to know too much about you. And that, after all, is the key to happy marriage. The less a wife knows about her husband the less there is to dislike.
1
HEY!!! (I'm a woman, I had to do that)... LOL
Seriously, thats funny, but I've been married for 9 years now and from my perspective... ladies, don't marry a man you want to change. If you want change, then pray for your man. 9 times out of 10 God will change YOU... same result. LOVE your husband. That means love him and look at him the way Christ does. RESPECT him. The day you lose respect for him as a man, is the day the divorce starts. You can choose to respect him and treat him with respect whether he deserves it or not (mine does). Oh, and yes ladies, he doesn't know how to put his socks in the hamper 3 inches away... so don't even try.
posted on 12.23.2005 4:29 AM2
Hi Joe,
I'll most likely revisit this one but wanted to put in my two cents. :-)
Most marraiges fail because of mismatched partners and/or unrealistic expectations. Communication is key of course, but so is accepting your spouse in all their lovely imperfections and foibles. Bottom line: I made a committment to love and cherish my husband until I die. Aside from any psychopathic tendencies he might show - he's stuck with me. (I may add here that we are both still very happily married.)
I believe the secret to a happy marriage has more to do with how a person views themselves and how they gain validation, rather than how the other person treats them. It has said that we do not receive respect from others until we respect ourselves and I wholeheartedly agree. A man or woman in a marriage who has low self-esteem sets themselves up for further hurt and confusion by constantly expecting their spouse to affirm their existence.
You know what...I need to blog on this stuff myself. (ha!) At the beginning of the year, my site is going to become a full-fledged blog. So again, thanks to you, I continue to grow and think. Thanks for your advice. You always bring a smile to my day.
Merry Christmas!
P.S. I love to listen to my husband, but our communication roles are slightly switched. I'm the one going "mmmm-hmmmm, dear" as I'm thinking about a zillion other things...
P.P.S. No, he doesn't read your blog, so I'm safe.
posted on 12.23.2005 6:20 AM3
I will have been married for nineteen years in April. One thing I have found is that going to marriage seminars make you think you have more problems than you actually do.
I think married couples need to remember that while they are supposed to complete one another, they aren't supposed to be the ultimate fulfillment for each other. Only God can be that.
I found the closed bathroom door thing very funny; it gave me a smile!
posted on 12.23.2005 6:20 AM4
Kim is ON,
You have an unusual sense of "complete". After or beyond complete is...nothing. Complete is total, absolute. That's why no human, spouse or otherwise, can complete another. The ultimate fulfillment of which you speak-- that IS completion.
posted on 12.23.2005 7:18 AM5
My wife and I have been married 2.5 years and we just had our first child 2 weeks ago. If I were to give my two pence from what I've seen and what I've experienced, the best marriages are such because of living the vows we take. "Honor and cherish" your wife. This means that you consider her the best thing to happen to you (2nd only to Christ), the pinacle of beauty, and she cannot do worse, no matter what. Once you've got appropriate adoration of your wife, don't forget it! Should you feel less than adoration toward your wife, reconsider and find things to love and adore. It may take work.
Furthermore, I often ask my wife, "How're we doing?" I look her in the eyes and read her to make sure she doesn't try to cover things. Whenever she points somehting else, we discuss it. More often than not, she's right. In other cases, it is time for compromise. In any case, I give her an in to speak her mind and I get a report card of how our marriage is doing. It works out well, I think.
So, take all this as you like. Marriage is hard work. I think the truest bottom line is NEVER GIVE UP! At one point, I had greatly hurt my wife. I thought she was going to leave me. A buddy of mine pointed something out, "So what if she does? You'll just have to go get her!" If you fight for your marriage and never give up, I don't think you can lose it. But, some might be able to correct me on that.
Congratulations! Marriage is a blessing!
posted on 12.23.2005 9:05 AM6
At times you will not feel that you love her. At that time, it is very important TO love her.
Love may be a feeling, but more importantly it is an action.
7
I was married for 23 years - some things I learned.
1) Life isn't fair, get over it. Sometimes you'll be doing most of the giving. Marriage is not 50/50.
2) Most body fluids are not "icky". Get over that, too. Especially if you're planning on having kids.
3) Your husband doesn't care if that outfit makes you look fat. In fact, he probably wouldn't care if you just ditched the outfit and stayed in for the evening.
4) "Women want love, men want respect." Hogwash. They both want both, love and respect just have different meanings for men and women. Learn what love means to your partner and do that. (Lesson learned - to me, love used to mean flowers and frills. To my husband, it was that the laundry was done. He tried to show love by doing his own laundry; that not only didn't show me my version of love, it took away my way of showing him love. These days, to me, love is giving me a hug while water is draining out of my ceiling and putting in a new toilet.)
5) Your spouse will have faults. Your spouse will see faults in you. It's not the faults (I'm seeing faults as different than sins) that matter, it's the way you handle them. (Lesson learned: one of the biggest "fault fights" my husband and I had was over embroidery floss. I'm very ADD and my husband was very NOT. We both did cross-stitch and I didn't care if I lost a color once in a while, they're 3/$1.00. He cared. He cared if I didn't cut my floss (for storage) into exactly 18". Our solution: we kept our own floss. Yes, there were a lot of doubles, but he kept his his way and I kept mine my way. It worked for 15 years. We had separate toothpaste, too.)
Many times, the answer to a conflict is being willing to be the one to give in. In the long run, does the color of the bathroom matter? Sometimes. Ladies, your husband does not want a pink bathroom. It's not the color that will be remembered, it's your attitude in choosing.
;-)
;-)
posted on 12.23.2005 9:16 AM8
I put everything I owned in my wife's name after we were married. It has kept me very committed and focused on our relationship :)
posted on 12.23.2005 9:24 AM9
My wife and I will have been married 42 years this coming April 13th. From the very beginning we have been opposites. Seldom agree on most things other than each other. My solution for keeping a happy marriage is: Grit! You've got to want to keep it. Period. Happiness is a misconception, anyhow. You're going to have your ups and downs, your share of quarrels, and some things will never change until you do. It helps, I think, when you learn you're not all that different from everybody else out there. These two things I know: (1) Christ is the best "thing" that ever happened to me; (2) My wife is next in line.........
posted on 12.23.2005 12:10 PM10
I heard Zig Ziglar once say "kids spell love T I M E" I've since come to the conclusion that everyone else does too. The other helpful short thought that helps me (we've been married 19 years) is that where your treasure is there your heart will be also. Put your time and your money at the disposal of your spouse, and things will work out. This assumes you have your relationship with Christ worked out first.
posted on 12.23.2005 1:09 PM11
We've been married almost 25 years. Here are the things I've told my girls about whom to marry:
1. Can he stick with a project? Marriage is a project! It is a journey, not a destination.
2. There will be ups and downs in a marriage, just like everything else. You have to stick through the downs to get to the ups. The ups are worth it.
3. How does his father treat his mother? That's his mental ideal.
4. As a good Christian, you are of course encouraged to have some friends who are projects. However, you are not obliged to MARRY a project! Don't. (At this point my wife said, gently, "Dear, ALL men are projects." My response was that some men need some finishing cabinetry, while others have huge cracks in the foundation. Don't marry a man with huge cracks.
As far as advice to men,
1. Put the toilet seat back down, always. It is not right, not fair that the person who won't be "dunked" has to remember but get over it, you gotta put it down.
2. Cherish her. Most women will bloom under this care. My wife encourages me to do things I like when she feels fully cared for. It does work.
3. Learn to take care of your kids. My wife tells me there is nothing as sexy as a man who looks like he knows what he is doing, holding a baby.
4. Persist, stubbornly. In the Screwtape Letters, the devils talk about how much fun it is to tempt people and have them give in just before things would have gotten better. I think CS was exactly right.
Jim
posted on 12.23.2005 2:48 PM13
It's Christmas Eve here in Perth and I'm spending a little time dropping in on the blogs I regularly read. I wish you a very merry Christmas and I look forward to reading your blog in 2006.
posted on 12.23.2005 8:55 PM15
-- Since my first wife left me for another woman, the idea that I could have been to blame came as a bit of a surprise. “Let me get this straight,” I said. “You turn gay and it’s my fault the marriage didn’t work out?”
-- “Keep in mind,” she noted, “that I only lost interest in men after being married to you.”
-- Touché --
LOL. It's like that episode of Seinfeld when George had a "lesbian spotting" and it turned out to be his "ex" Susan. Then Cramer seduced Susan's girlfriend, and George had some line, "I drive them lesbianism and you bring them back!" I think your ex needs a Cramer.
16
Idiot children, you dears! A happy marriage is a direct gift of our Savior--He, and only He, can give it to you. (For us, the big five oh comes up next June.)
posted on 12.24.2005 4:15 PM17
My husband and I have been married 40 years. It hasn't always been easy, but we've made it! I disagree with the one who said men want respect and women want love. It is true that both want respect and love, but as I have learned to give my husband respect, I find he responds more in loving ways. It is a neat cycle!
posted on 12.24.2005 5:08 PM18
Joe,
When did your wife leave you for another woman (what year)?
Just curious.
posted on 12.24.2005 6:53 PM19
God help me, I'm never frickin getting married! Thanks for reminding me why, Joe. I don't know if that was your intention. But I think you're brilliant.
posted on 12.24.2005 11:49 PM20
I'll be married for 3 years two Wednesdays from now, with my wife expecting our first child. The experience has been completely wonderful! She's incredibly nice to me. We rarely fight, and when we do, we always make up. All the bad things I've heard people say about marriage completely aren't applicable to me and my wife right now.
Like Joe said, I'm not the best advice giver in this situation, since I've had such an easy time so far. Of course, you want to avoid the obvious problems: marry someone who'll keep a job, not abuse drugs/alcohol, or sleep around. I guess if I had to give additional advice, it'd be the following:
(1) Marry a "low-maintenance" spouse.
(2) Be a "low-maintenance" spouse.
Right now, my wife doesn't complain about anything I think a "classy" woman would: that we don't live in a bigger place, or give her more gifts, or make more money, or that I'm not more well-mannered or more romantic. She's satisfied with who I am and what I do. And I try to be the same with her: she's not a supermodel, she doesn't have the ambition, acumen or household skills of Martha Stewart, but I don't care. I love her for who she is and want her to be herself.
In short, getting along with your spouse is like any other adult relationship. You’ll do fine if (a) your not some solipsistic a-hole who thinks life and everyone in it should behave 100% favorably to him, regardless of his own behavior, or (b) marry someone like that.
21
Joe:
Close the bathroom door - Some people will tell you that being able to go to the bathroom in front of your wife shows how comfortable you are with each other. These people are idiots. Allowing your wife to see you on the toilet doesn’t show you are comfortable, it shows that you‘re nasty.
I have the opposite problem. She insists on being in the bathroom to talk with me, if it suits her. If I insist on privacy she sometimes relents. :)
posted on 12.26.2005 3:35 PM22
A lot of the comments are great, but I didn't see the one that helps keep my marriage healthy (aside from my wife being wonderful and my best friend):
Think as a team.
Maybe it's easy to forget this, but both in the eyes of humanity and of God marriage is the ultimate team. You need to approach your problems together whenever possible.
1. Before you make any decision that may affect your spouse in any way, make sure you at least check in with him or her. As a corrolary, if you tell your spouse s/he can handle something you don't care about, don't second guess their decisions.
2. Honestly evaluate your contribution to the team and try to exceed your 50% of the work on the marriage whenever you can. If you both do this, you will constantly impress each other with how giving and committed you both are to the marriage; this will also motivate the other partner to appreciate your contribution.
3. If you're not happy with something, you need to make a decision. Can you deal with whatever it is alone (for example, the aforementioned pink bathroom) and decide not to let it bother you? If you can, do it! If you can't, *TELL YOUR SPOUSE ABOUT IT* and work together to come up with a solution you can both live with. No kidding, every time you do this it strengthens your marriage.
In our individualistic society, it's often hard to subsume your wants and needs for the greater good, but Christians should have a leg up on that sort of thinking. :)
posted on 12.27.2005 12:59 PM