1

This week's Expert Witness was delayed because of a last minute setback and I didn't have anything else reserved as backup. Because I couldn't come up with anything else at the last minute (it's 1:18 AM right now), this is the low note on which to end this week's regular postings.

2

HEY IM A GENERIC EVANGELICAL!

3

I kind of was amused that you think all who may have been Christian but don't think "Jesus is God" must be atheists/agnostics instead of Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Taoists, nontheists, Deists, Theists...

Try again. Even for self avowed "Christians" this is pretty narrow.

4

Actually, I now see it's a caricature of all you folks.

Frankly, though I still don't find it all that amusing, except insofar as while it's joking about stereotypes, there are even more stereotypes/hidden things left out...

Like the Greeks... the African Americans...

But funny it gets the last laugh about that Osteen guy... Jesse Kornbluth was mentioning folks like him the the other day, about how the housing bubble and the God bubble were synchronous.

Osteen's the God bubble guy.

5

That's pretty funny...not bad for a 'backup post.' If only I hadn't started dancing, I could still be a Southern Baptist. Oh, the heights from which I've fallen... :)

6

What, no anabaptists?

7

Joe,

Humph, I get "southern baptist" just because I'm clumsy and self-conscious.

For version 2.0 of the flowchart, perhaps you could subdivide the "generic evangelical" a bit more.

How about:

Hymns or praise songs?
Do you drink beer in public?
Smite the evil or love the lost sheep?
Evilution or Cretinism?

The significance of particular answers, I'll leave up to you?

8

Pretty good, but the next question after "do you listen to the pope?" should have been "do you light candles in front of Icons?" with an arrow going to "You are Orthodox". But I can understand your oversight. We are only the oldest (since Pentecost) and second largest (approx 220 million) group of people who call themselevs Christians.

9

The denim skirt and long hair thing was funny. I grew up in that denomination. Even as a little kid I just didn't understand the denim skirt thing.

10

Hey Joe,

I like it! Especially the Joel Osteen line - very funny stuff here!

Keep it up!

11

Well all I know is it pegged me right! Southern Baptist! Put on your swimsuit, somebody's gettin' dunked! :-)

12

Oh no - wait... I missed the do you dance question... Okay -I'm a southernBaptist with an inner Pentecostal.

13

Haha love the chart

Make it more thorough and colorize it and I would buy it as a big wall poster.

14

Athiest/Agnostic is oversimplified. But as I recall, you don't believe there is a difference. so..

And you should have a spot for "Anonymous Christian". Those are the ones that believe in God, Don't believe in Jesus, but whose morality is often more in line with the Bible than many of those in a formal denomination.

And you left out Wicca, not to mention LDS.

15

I see the defining difference between pentecostals and charismatics is "Do you dance" -- "only in church" is the pentecostals.

Very good - you ought to see my wife. She couldn't do the two-step with a month of coaching, but she floats around the church like a ballerina.

16

Mumon,

Wow, people complain because we are too serious; and now because we are not serious enough.

Its a joke son!

17

JCHFleetguy: Wow, people complain because we are too serious; and now because we are not serious enough.

Yep, some people just can't relax and laugh a little as is obvious from some of the posts.

I enjoyed the flowchart. Of course, should I be offended for being described as generic? ;-)

18

I'm with Nick. Where are the anabaptists? I ended up Methodists, and I can't even remember visiting one of their churches.

19

Good for a Friday afternoon!

Is "generic Evangelical" the same as "mere Christian" (per C.S. Lewis) :-)

Other suggested questions:

Which of the following are considered Scripture:
The Book of Mormon (you're LDS)
The Book of Judith (you're Roman Catholic)
The Gospel of Peter (you're Gnostic)
The Twelve and Twelve (you're Recovering)

Which is the most appropriate style for worship music?
Monophonic chant (you're Opus Dei Catholic)
Solo acoustic guitar (you're "modern" Catholic)
Robust hymns sung in harmony from a hymnal (you're Lutheran)
Robust hymns sung in harmony without a hymnal (you're Baptist)
Shape-note harmony (you're Fundamentalist)
Foot-stompin' gospel shoutin' (you're AME or COGIC)
7-11 songs (7 words, repeated 11 times) - (you're Vineyard)

Which keyboard instruments are appropriate for worship?
Piano (you're Methodist)
Synth (you're generic Evangelical)
Pipe organ (you're Lutheran or Episcopal)
Hammond organ (you're Baptist)

You prefer your minister to wear:
Cassock (you're Catholic, Lutheran, or Anglican)
Dark suit and tie (you're Southern Baptist)
Slacks and sport shirt (you're Evangelical Free)
T-shirt and cutoffs (you're Vineyard)
Dashiki and hemp pants (Jesus People USA)
A yarmulke and a blue T-shirt (you're Jews for Jesus)
A nicely tailored dress (you're Unitarian)
Nothing at all (you're Wiccan)

20

Mormon: You have one great-great-Grampa and 12 great-great-Grandmas.

Or maybe: You never have a problem deciding what shirt to wear to church.

Wiccan: You also don't have a problem deciding which shirt to wear to church. (Because you don't wear clothes in church, you go, as they say, "sky-clad").

Atheist: Doesn't believe that God exists.

Fundamentalist Atheist. Doesn't believe that either God or they themselves exist. In fact, you don't exist either.

21

Can't believe anyone is taking this seriously. It's obviously (well, apparently not) for entertainment purposes only. This whole thread is amazing.

22

Hey, Corrie. Orthodox wear cassocks, too. And some of us are Cossacks.

23

*snickers* This is almost tempting me to see just how massive, convoluted, and generally messy a Christian spreadsheet could go... ;)

24

Julana,

I'm with Nick. Where are the anabaptists? I ended up Methodists, and I can't even remember visiting one of their churches.

25

As the creator of the last theology quiz that did the rounds (which people took way too seriously by the way) I'll say this: don't try and please everyone, you just can't and people get upset, and I have almost 100 angry e-mails/hate-mails to prove it.

I came out as Charismatic - so you were quit accurate :)

26

Good grief... you're all going to leave it to the Pragmatists in the comment section to post the on-topic remarks, aren't you?

Joe Carter writes: ...a considerable amount of intellectual capital in taking apart the test to discover what makes it so virulent. / But like all such tests, the results are far too imprecise to be truly useful. Making such precise distinctions between theological camps requires more than just stock photos, non-descript questions, and a few lines of HTML...

The reason such memes are so virulent, of course, has nothing to do with their utility for distinguishing theological camps. They have everything to do with exposing differences in our continually evolving tribal customs. People who are heavily invested in the demarcations of tribal affiliation— like most godbloggers are— will be easily drawn into propagating the meme. Among communities where people are less concerned about such matters, e.g. electronic music enthusiasts, memes of this class do not propagate with anywhere near the ferocity that Joe is seeing them move among the godbloggers.

27

>People who are heavily invested in the demarcations of tribal affiliation— like most godbloggers are

This is because they believe that membership has eternal consequences, not merely socio-economic ones.

28

Here are the flaws in the flow chart:

1. Baptists aren't technically Protestant since they were never part of the Roman Catholic Church, and
definitely weren't part of the reformation.

2. Fundamentalist isn't a denomination. Many, if not most Southern Baptists are Fundamentalist.

As for dismissing the need for denominations, see my post here.

29

Danny - I used to be Roman Catholic, but I now attend a Baptist (BGC) church. I consider myself a "Mere Christian" however.

Matt - Orthodox should get parsed out in the "what should ministers wear" question, with the answer, "pillbox hat with veil and a long beard" :-)

What this really points out is that many differences between denominations are over preferences in worship style, not bedrock doctrine.

That said, I recall visiting (Separately) two sisters in Kentucky. Each went to a different fundamentalist, non-denominational church. Each was convinced the other was going to Hell. Very sad.