Dear Joe,
My girlfriend is driving me nuts. She will never say directly what she means. Instead she beats around the bush and expects me to know what she meant rather than what she said. Why don’t women just say what is on their mind? Are they speaking some foreign language that I’m not aware of? I need some help.
Dear A.V.,
When asked to rate the qualities they admire most, women often claim to value honesty above all else. This is, of course, rather ironic since honesty is the trait they least tolerate in men. Admitting that, yeah, now that she’s mentioned it, she does look kind of chubby in that dress, will not win a man praise for his integrity. Most likely it will simply lead to a trip to the ER to have a size 8 stiletto removed from the side of his neck.
Women, of course, are smart enough to know that nothing is more detrimental to a relationship than being truthful. Watch them when they are talking to members of their own sex and you’ll see what I mean. Women can barely tolerate one another as it is; if they were to tell each other what they really thought (“Which dog groomer gave you that hairstyle?”) it would be the end of civilization as we know it.
While you may not be able to read her mind, you do need to read in between the lines.
So I’ve put together a short guide to what people say and what it is they really mean:
“I don’t kiss up to anybody.” -- Translation: I’m a tactless jerk.
“I don’t care what anyone thinks.” -- Translation: I’m deeply insecure and constantly worry about what everyone thinks of me.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -- Translation: Let’s not kid ourselves, you’re definitely the reason we’re breaking up.
“I’m just crazy like that.” -- Translation: I’m the type of geek who thinks other people are impressed by my goofy behavior.
“What do you do for a living?” -- Translation: What socio-economic category can I place you in so that I may judge your value as a human being.
“Money isn’t everything.” -- Translation: I’ve come to the realization that I will be broke for the rest of my life.
“We need to talk about our relationship.” (Spoken by a woman) -- Translation: We need to talk about what you’re doing wrong.
“Fine, let’s talk.” (Coming from a man) -- Translation: Please, please, let’s get this over with before the football game comes on.
“Deep down, he’s really a good kid” -- Translation: I can’t bring myself to admit that my kid is a hellion.
“I’m just not good at taking tests.” -- Translation: I’m too lazy to actually study.
“I prefer a guy with a sense of humor” -- Translation: I prefer a guy who can make me laugh as long as he is also rich and good-looking.
“Do I look fat in these pants?” -- Translation: Your verbal reinforcement that I'm thin enough is the only thing keeping my self-esteem out of the toilet.
“It was really nice meeting you.” -- Translation: Five minutes from now I won’t even remember your name.
“Sure, you can call me sometime.” -- Translation: I will be changing my phone number tomorrow.
“You look great!” -- Translation: I forgot just how terrible you looked the last time I say you.
“What are you thinking” (Coming from a woman) -- Translation: What are you thinking?
“Nothing.” (Coming from a man) -- Translation: My mind is -- as usual -- a complete blank.
1
Very funny.
Why not try my approach? I'm looking for a Chinese, Filipino, or Russian woman on the Internet. They are beautiful, demure, good housekeepers, and are surrounded by weaselly men--an American guy treats them better than they ever possibly could there. However, a strong command of the English language is an automatic disqualifier--I don't want us to be able to communicate that well.
I'll let you know how it goes.
posted on 09.26.2004 8:04 PM2
Funny stuff. Yeah, "honesty" has to be carefully circumscribed by tact and, where possible, ESP. But then, uh, I'm still single, so maybe I just don't "get it."
:-)
@Kevin W, with tongue firmly planted in cheek:
I'm living in Japan and working in a Japanese girls' school. LOL to your description of Asian women, which has a germ of truth mixed in with a hilarious amount of cross-cultural chaos. Definitely stick with your modest amount of English; someone with good English is too valuable in her home country to want to leave it for a place where she'll feel less valued. Oh, and many Asian women find us big, hairy, stinky, and loud . . . not qualities they admire. I wish you luck. ;-)
Cheers,
PGE
4
Bene,
Did your wife think this was funny?
I don't know. My wife never cared much for my advice column when I wrote it for the newspaper. I also don't think she's ever read anything I write on my blog. She doesn't find me too funny in real life, though, so I would suspect that the answer would be "no." ; )
posted on 09.27.2004 6:44 AM5
What about:
Do you think she's pretty? -- Reaffirm my place in this relationship.
I just want to be friends... -- You have become completely unattractive to me...
Nothing. (from a woman) -- Something, but I'm too angry to tell you.
*Insert name* doesn't suffer with fools lightly -- A fool is anyone he disagrees with.
I'm sorry, its all my fault(from a man) -- Good God! The game's going to start any second!
I'm sorry, its all my fault(from a woman) -- Reverse psychology, its still all your fault.
posted on 09.27.2004 1:12 PM6
Here's some more:
"I'm proud to say I'm low-maintenance"
--I won't put any makeup on, I'll never dress up for you, and I wear flip-flops out in public.
"My friends tell me I'm high-maintenance"
--I spend more time in front of a mirror than Narcissus
"My ex-boyfriend told me I'm a selfish bitch"
--I am a selfish bitch.
"I never claimed to be Martha Stewart"
--I don't cook, clean, do laundry, or even pick up after myself, and I won't be giving you sex either after three months.
"I'm always honest. If you don't want the truth, don't ask me."
--I will say anything I want, and do anything I want, and if it hurts your feelings, you're the one with the problem.
"It's important to me to stay trendy."
--I will spend all of my money, and most of yours, to be seen in only the designer labels, the hottest cars, and eating in the coolest restaurants.
"Do we have any money in our joint checking account?"
--If we did, we don't anymore.
"You're not spending enough time with me"
--You're spending too much time at work
"You don't make enough money"
--You're not spending enough time at work
"Do you remember that cute little outfit I showed you at the mall last week?"
--I went down and bought it this morning.
"Which very expensive blouse do you think looks best? The green one, the light green one, or the lighter green one?"
--I can't decide, and you don't care, so I'll buy them all.
7
PGE, they haven't met me yet.
BTW, don't show them this thread.
posted on 09.27.2004 3:07 PM8
One other thing, PGE: when I said they were surrounded by weaselly men, I of course excepted you.
posted on 09.27.2004 3:07 PM9
@Kevin W--
LOL! Thanks for the exception. And, no, no sense rotting the kids' brains with all this chitchat too early in life.
Cheers, PGE
posted on 10.04.2004 2:33 AM