Every year I make a list of New Year’s resolutions that I’m never able to keep. I usually do well for a few weeks but by February I don’t even bother trying. I tried to be more persistent (Resolution #12 - 1988), develop more willpower (Resolution #9 - 1993), and even “resolved" to keep my resolutions (Resolution #1 - 1998). Nothing ever seems to be effective.
This year I’m trying something different. I’ve decided to take the same approach that I took in planning a career and finding a wife: I lowered my expectations. I figure that if I don’t set my sights too high then I won’t be disappointed. Since success is a relative concept I decided to make it relatively easy to succeed.
Here are my resolution from last year and the way that I'm modifying them:
2004: Lose weight; 2005: Gain weight - While most people find it difficult to lose weight, in 2004 I managed to lose a total of fifteen pounds. The key is to get off to a good start. After shaving my back hair (3 pounds), cutting my toe nails (1.3 pounds), and trimming my nose and ear hairs (.7 pounds) I found I only needed to lose ten more pounds over the next twelve months.
No sooner had I reached my goal, though, then my wife decides that I needed to “gain about 20 pounds." Now I have to turn around and re-gain all the weight that I lost. That won’t be easy. Back hair doesn’t grow back overnight.
2004: Eat more healthy food; 2005: Eat more fast food - See above.
2004: Donate money to medical research; 2005: Spend money on a tube of cream to cure the weird rash I have on the inside of my thighs - While I’m all for supporting efforts to cure cancer and heart disease, there are certain medical concerns that are a bit more urgent.
2004: Get regular checkups by a physician; 2005: Perform regular checkups on myself - Few things make me sicker than getting the bill from an office visit to the doctor. If I wanted to read old magazines and sit in a cold room without my clothes on I could stay in my own bathroom and save ninety dollars.
Besides, with access to the Internet there really isn’t a need for doctors anymore. With the aid of WebMD.com, some Tylenol, and a pair of scissors, I was even able to perform my own vasectomy. You can even download valuable medical information on your PDA. Just the other day I read about how to perform a self-exam for testicular cancer (though now I’m not allowed to stand in line at the post office anymore).
2004: Get in shape; 2005: Be happy with the shape I’m in - Actually I was able to keep this resolution since “pear-shaped donut" is, technically speaking, a “shape." A year of exercise, though, hasn’t been as effective as I‘d hoped it would be. Instead of a V-shaped body I’ve ended up with a sort of U-shape.
This year I’m going to use the money I normally spend on gym fees for self-esteem counseling. The cost is the same yet I get to avoid both the discomfort of exercising and the horror of seeing spandex covered blubber.
2004: Spend time volunteering; 2005 Avoid court-appointed community service - While I don’t mind picking up the trash along the side of the highway, the court fees are draining my bank account. This year I’ve finally learned my lesson: cold medicine + jello shots = misdemeanor conviction for public nudity.
2004: Win the Pulitzer Prize for Blogging; 2004: Write a post that someone would actually want to read - Yeah, I know I’m off to a bad start but I still have 52 weeks to go so there’s still a chance I can achieve this
Related:
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Joe, they still might be a little high, but good luck.
posted on 12.31.2004 6:30 AM2
the same approach that I took in . . . finding a wife: I lowered my expectations
Ow!
Dude, you are so dead.
posted on 12.31.2004 8:36 AM3
A couple of comments on the medical side, dont short change on the checkups. Get bloodwork done in 2005, a full blood workup (which most doctors dont order a full one). Though with WebMD you can fix most things, you still need to find them early. This month its two years since I found my level IV-A Squamous Cell Carcinoma. I will never have again a life like it was, but I still have life. Second, dont wait in the doctors office. Use the 15 minute rule, once 15 minutes passes after your appointment time, go back to the reception desk and ask for a new appointment because you cannot wait. It is amazing what that can do when you return as far as responsiveness. There is no reason that you have to 'pay' for the inefficiency of the doctors office or clinic. Walk! But make that next appointment. For most doctors and clinics it helps remind them that they are in the business of customer service. LTD.
posted on 12.31.2004 12:54 PM4
Kevin Dude, you are so dead.
Fortunately for me, my wife doesn't read my blog. She knows the truth, though. She would have no problems admitting that she was the one who lowered her expectations when she married me. (Unfortunately for her, though, she didn't realize she have to keep lowering them throughout the marriage.)
posted on 12.31.2004 12:54 PM5
A couple of comments on the medical side, dont short change on the checkups. Get bloodwork done in 2005, a full blood workup (which most doctors dont order a full one). Though with WebMD you can fix most things, you still need to find them early. This month its two years since I found my level IV-A Squamous Cell Carcinoma. I will never have again a life like it was, but I still have life. Second, dont wait in the doctors office. Use the 15 minute rule, once 15 minutes passes after your appointment time, go back to the reception desk and ask for a new appointment because you cannot wait. It is amazing what that can do when you return as far as responsiveness. There is no reason that you have to 'pay' for the inefficiency of the doctors office or clinic. Walk! But make that next appointment. For most doctors and clinics it helps remind them that they are in the business of customer service. LTD.
posted on 12.31.2004 1:01 PM6
Thanks for some much needed comic relief! good luck with all your endeavors! :)
posted on 12.31.2004 2:48 PM7
Well, if you're going to be letting your body go, at least try to cut down on the public nudity.
posted on 01.01.2005 5:43 PM