Dear B.G.,
I find it rather touching how much credit women give us men. Despite all evidence to the contrary, they persist in thinking that we are as complicated and mysterious as they are. A woman sees a man staring off into space and wonders what he is thinking about. You really want to know what he's thinking about?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. His mind is a complete blank.

Men don't really do as much thinking as you might expect which shouldn't come as much of a surprise to anyone who has known any men. The fact that we don't like to think accounts for the majority of our actions. Which is why men like dogs so much. We feel comfortable around them. Dogs don’t do much thinking either. We like that about them.

Women, however, do think. Women think a lot - especially about relationships. Your friend is backing off because he’s afraid what you have is turning into a “relationship”. Men understand relationships about as much as your puppy understands why you rubbed his nose in the poop he left on the carpet. Your friend got his nose rubbed in some stinky stuff before and isn’t sure why it happened. But you can bet he’s going to be careful about doing it again. In order to get him to commit you have to treat him like a dog. (And no, I’m not talking about smacking him with a rolled up newspaper.)

What you have to do is make him miss you. Your dog misses you when you are at work because he doesn’t realize that you'll be coming back. He sees you walk out the door and thinks that it's over, you’re never coming back. He’s gonna starve to death. He knows he's not smart enough to work a can opener and so all hope is lost. Then, eight hours later, a miracle happens. You come home. Despite the fact that this pattern is repeated every single day, this comes as a complete surprise to your dog.

Keep a guy thinking like a dog (i.e., wondering if you will be back) and before you know it, Rover won’t be the only one you have on a leash.